The Laughing Scooby
by bubbajack
Summary: Xander always did have a knack for screwing over prophecy and fate...and now, he knows why. Soon, He Who Sees will see how thin the line between good and evil truly is. But, even when he's down, he's never out. He always gets...the last laugh. Xander/harem multi-crossover fic. Rated M for Blood, Gore, and adult subject matter.
1. Chapter 1

**The Laughing Scooby**

 **By: Bubbajack**

 **Beta: Maestro of Madness**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS or anything else associated with this fic.**

 **(…)**

 **Ch.1: It Begins with a Wish.**

 _It should've been obvious in hindsight. Strange things always happened when he got involved with magic and prophecies. When he learned, Buffy was doomed to die, did he sit idly by and allow it to happen? No, he fought back! He defied fate and brought her back from death. Things got weirder during Halloween that year when he dressed as James Bond and due to the meddling of one of Giles old friend's he ended up becoming the international super spy. When the spell broke, he retained all manner of knowledge. From how to kill a man with a toothpick at ten yards, to expertly driving Ferrari's, fighter jets, hacking computers, shooting guns, and of course, charming the opposite sex. Using his new skills, he decided to 'tame the shrew' and went after Cordelia Chase. They dated, he was happy…that is, until Willow found out. So confident was he in his own newly acquired abilities that he didn't think about how this would affect his friends._

 _Still, all things considered, all was well…until Cordelia attempted to break up with him on Valentine's Day. Then he did something stupid. He conned Amy Madison into casting a spell that would make Cordelia fall back in love with him. He should've known better. It backfired spectacularly, causing everyone but Cordelia to want to jump his bones. After that, she really wanted nothing to do with him. Neither did Buffy or Willow for a time as they were both seeing someone then. Eventually, however, he was forgiven, and things went on as normal._

 _However, things began to slowly go downhill as the years went on. Willow's addiction to magic combined with Tara's death leading to her almost destroying the world, if it weren't for him stepping in. The death of Joyce, Glory attempting to kill Dawn culminating in Buffy sacrificing herself to close the portal. Buffy's future resurrection thinking we were pulling her from a Hell Dimension only to find it was not hell, but Heaven we dragged her from. She was different then. The spark she possessed wavered upon Joyce's death had been completely extinguished upon her revival. Things only got worse from there. Buffy starting a loveless affair with Spike, Dawn becoming a kleptomaniac, him leaving Anya at the altar, the coming of the First Evil, being told by Buffy to get Dawn out of Sunnydale while she fought an army of Turok-Han with her own army of Slayers. He couldn't even do that much as Dawn managed to knock him out and turn the car around. By the time they arrived, the fight was in full swing, but he managed to dust a few Turok-Han himself. Even so, by the end of it all, he'd failed. He failed to keep Dawn out of the fight. Failed to do as Buffy asked, and above all, failed Anya.'_

These thoughts kept roving around in Xander's head as the bus they were all piled in. He fidgeted nervously, but everyone was so exhausted that no one noticed. If they knew what he was planning, Willow would attempt to stop him, Buffy and Dawn, even more so. He looked around at all the dozens of Slayers and let a content yet bitter smile slide across his face. _'What could I really do for her now? She's got an army, Willow is Sorceress Supreme, and I-I'm just Xander, a one-eyed carpenter.'_ He let off a mental snort at his own expense. _'She doesn't need me. Not anymore.'_

His mind made up he waited for the next stop at a gas station before he made his move. It was woefully easy. When their bus pulled up for gas and a chance for a group of half-addled slayers to stretch their legs, Xander slipped out with them and hung around the back of the store until the bus drove off again. Xander then wearily made his way into the building. The fat, balding man behind the counter looked as tired as he felt as he went up to him and asked, "When's the next Greyhound supposed to stop by?"

* * *

Getting on the bus was simple. His destination of choice was not so. In the end, he decided that if the others were heading to the Cleveland Hellmouth, then he would be better off heading the other way, back towards California, destination, San Francisco. When he arrived, he booked the closest hotel he could find and fell into a fitful slumber filled with the faces of his disappointed friends and dead Anya. Finding himself unable to sleep, he decided to ease his guilt by calling the one person amongst the group he thought would understand. Willow.

He wasn't foolish enough to call her on his cell, though, knowing she could and would through means technological or mystical track him down that way. Instead, he used the landline located in his hotel room. He knew the number by heart, which is why he was confused when someone who most certainly wasn't her answered and said "Goddess Relief Office, my name is Belldandy and I'll be granting your wish today."

 _'Did I just call a sex hotline?_ ' Xander wondered to himself. Yet for some reason he doubted it. The voice on the other end of the line sounded too pure and innocent for lack of a better term to belong to a phone sex operator.

So he said to her, "I'm sorry miss, I seem to have dialed a wrong number by mistake."

"I'll be with you momentarily." She replied seeming not to hear him before the phone mysteriously went dead.

"What was all that about?" Xander muttered to himself.

* * *

Belldandy stood from her seat within the Heavens as prepared to head towards the world gate that would take her to mid-gard. She gave the file of her client, Alexander Lavelle Harris, one final pass through before she did, however.

Name: Alexander Lavelle **C** H **o** A **n** R **s** R **t** I **a** S **n** S **tine**

 **Age:** 23

 **Blood type:** 1/5th Babylonian God (Nurgle), 1/5th Succubus, 1/5th Hyena, 1/5th Great Old On (Dagon), 1/5thHuman.

 **Lineage:** He Who Laughs at Fate, The One Who Sees.

 **Height:** 178cm/5'10in.

 **Weight:** 70kg/154lbs.

 **Eye color:** Brown.

 **Place of residence:** Boca del Infierno (Mouth of Hell)

She would have to handle him carefully she knew. Now that he was no longer constantly being bombarded by the energies of a Hellmouth, his inherent powers could emerge at any time. Giving a silent prayer that he did not wish for the destruction of both Gods and Devils like his sire would if given the same opportunity, she headed towards the World Gate intent on fulfilling his dream.

* * *

Mere moments later, Xander could just stare as a beautiful woman with light brown hair, blue markings adorning her cherubic face, and wearing a blue and white toga appeared out of mirror of all things. Wasting no time, he reached into his pack and drew out a flask of holy water which he flung at the entity before he charged, screaming a wooden stake raised in his other hand, intent on driving it through her heart. He saw her oceanic blue eyes widen in surprise before she raised a hand and the holy water he flung her way froze in mid-air. With but another flick of her hand, the demon hunter found himself unable to move nor speak, his body still as stone and covered in a golden aura.

Letting out a slight sigh the woman locked her eyes to his single one before she curtsied and spoke in a kindly if apologetic tone, "I apologize, I should've known better than to appear before you the way I did. It was an error on my part. Please, forgive me."

Xander looked at the being before him. He didn't sense any malevolence coming from her, but that didn't mean anything. _'But she has me at her mercy, if she wanted me dead, I'd be dead. Maybe she's trying to use me as bait to get to Buffy and the others? But then why would she be apologizing for scaring me?'_

The paralyzed man looked at her closer with his remaining eye, and for just a moment, he saw something. Around the girl, a bona-fied angel stood. Its hair was like silken spun gold, wings like that of a dove, its modesty covered by a spiraling sheaf of silk around its svelte form. Wedding bells played in the air as innumerable voices called out from everywhere and nowhere, **"Perfecta Dea, Perfecta Dea!"**

Then he blinked, and the vision was gone. But somehow, he knew. He knew he had seen something that shown him the core of the being before him, and with it, he felt shame. Shame that he attempted to attack something so pure and kind. Hanging his head, he muttered, "I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't-I didn't realize."

He didn't even register himself falling to the floor, his knees giving way and he allowed himself to shake with shame. Only to stop when he felt a gentle hand begin to caress his back. Looking up he found the Goddess kneeling before him doing her best to ease his woes. Seeing her concern for him in her eyes, made him feel even worse.

He was about to say as much when she gently shushed him, saying, "Don't apologize, as I said, it was my fault for coming to you like I did, and now your powers are beginning to unveil themselves aren't they? That's how you know what I am, right?"

Seeing such concern on her face for him, caused him to go into 'damage control mode,' "No, no don't be upset, I can't stand it when a girl is upset. It's all my fault anyway, I'm sorry, really."

This earned him a warm smile and a gentle caress to his cheek as she said, "Oh, Alexander, you don't need to blame yourself. Not for Jessie, not for the time you were possessed by that Hyena, not for decisions of your friends to push you away to keep you safe. Not for Faith and her decisions. None of it was your fault."

He looked at her, stunned, "I should be surprised that you know all of that, Belldandy, but I'm not. You are a Norn after all." He blinked and went over what he just said, "How did I know all of that?"

"I would be more than happy to explain if you'd like?" she offered him both an explanation and a hand up both of which he accepted, gratefully.

Once they both were seated on his bed, he turned to her and asked, "What's going on with me? I suddenly know the name of the Norn of the Present, just by looking at her, and more importantly, what are you doing here?"

"I believe it would be easier if I answered the last question first. I am here Alexander, to grant you your heart's desire in the form of a single wish."

"Ok, where are the cameras' cause I know I'm being punked."

Letting out a small giggle, the Goddess replied, "No, no joke. You have been chosen to receive a single wish."

Brown eye met blue, and he asked, "Why me?"

"You are a good person. You go out of your way to help others, to do good at the expense of yourself. You have earned this, Alexander, you truly have."

Upon hearing her reasoning, he couldn't help himself, he laughed. He laughed until tears streamed from his remaining eye. Belldandy sat beside him, concerned for his chortling held undertones of madness. Finally, he seemed to calm only to say, "Do you have _**any**_ idea how ironic this is? All the shit I've been through over the past seven years, everything I've lost, and only now does someone decide to show up and offer me something like this?"

The Goddess frowned in a rare display of sadness, "I'm sorry, but it's too dangerous for us to travel to any Hellmouth directly. Prolonged exposure to its energies could lead to Corruption, which in turn would result in us Falling."

"Both of those sound pretty bad." He conceded.

A nod from the Goddess, "They are. Corruption… it is the final trap laid by the first primordial demons. They tainted the Trees of Life, and from them all life springs and is interconnected. From that, Trees of Death, and realms of Shadow and Destruction were created, and because all things are connected and spring from the Trees…"

"Any and everything is capable of being Corrupted." Xander surmised.

"Exactly. It is due to corruption that Hellmouth's exist. It's the byproduct of the Trees of Death trying to force their way into the domains of Trees of Life."

"That sucks. But I get a wish huh? Any limits on what I can or can't wish for?"

"None at all," The Goddess replied with a shake of her head, "You could wish for money, power, women, even the destruction of the universe if you so desired."

Giving her a deadpan stare, he retorted, "You're kidding, right?" Seeing her shake her head in response with that serene smile on her face, Xander sighed and said, "Well, I'm not wishing for that. I had a bad experience trying to make a girl fall in love with me once so I don't feel right wishing for love. You said I have powers and will tell me about them, and I believe in working for my money. So, I'll just have to think of something else I guess…"

When he trailed off, Belldandy commented, "Ah yes, Aphrodite was none too pleased with your friend using magic to pilfer some of her power to fulfill your request, so she overpowered the spell and made it have the opposite effect. She was smug for weeks afterward."

Upon hearing this, the cyclops let out a groan, before laying his head in his hands and saying, "Oh great, I've pissed off the Greek Goddess of Love, no wonder my love life is like something out of a Grecian Tragedy."

"There, there," Belldandy said while rubbing his back, "She only interfered that one time. All the rest were either the interference of demons or the Powers that Be."

"Middle management for the good guys has been messing with my love life why…and how the hell did I know that?"

The Norn of the Present decided now was the time to fill him in on his own abilities. "Alexander, you just like all of your friends, are special. Even more so than Elizabeth."

She received a disbelieving look for that statement, "I have a hard time believing I'm even more special than Buffy, Bell. She's the Slayer, the 'Chosen One' after all."

Hearing the air quotes in his tone, Belldandy took on of his hands in her own, causing him to look at her as she said, "You are special Alexander, so special in fact; that both the forces of good and evil are afraid of you. Worried that you could derail their best-laid plans."

As he looked into her eyes, and he saw nothing but truth and honesty therein, but mixed in with that, was fear. She was afraid of him; if only just, and he couldn't help but wonder why.

"Why me of all people? Why are the Powers, demons, and you afraid of me?" he asked looking at her intently.

That last bit caused her to jump a little bit, and look at him worriedly, but she didn't pull her hand away from his. Seeing the fear in her eyes he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and spoke quietly and calmly, "I promise Bell, I won't hurt you."

Taking a calming breath, the Goddess replied, "I know Alexander, I know. It's just if anyone else of your lineage were to be given the power of a rule free wish, it is known that they would wish for the mutual destruction of both the forces of Good and Evil, to ensure free will."

He nodded understanding her fear, with but a few words, he could bring death to her loved ones, her friends, family members, acquaintances, and everyone she ever knew. He also knew he would be lying to himself if he thought the prospect of a world without demons, one where people like Buffy wouldn't have to fight, wasn't a good one. So, he asked, "Is it possible to rid the world of demons without affecting Angels and Goddesses like you?"

Much to his surprise, Belldandy shook her head. "Alas, no. Due to the Doublet System put in place by the Charred Council, which pairs the life-force of a divine being and that of a demon at birth at random, it is impossible to kill off one side without doing the same to the other."

"Shit." Xander swore before raising a new question, "You said I had powers, a lineage, and was more important than Buffy. I think it's time you quit trying to stall and sidetrack me and explained all that like you said you would."

The Perfecta Dea had taken a deep breath before she began, "You are from a lineage known as the Laughing Magicians. Those of your bloodline are called such because of your unique magic which allows you to manipulate probability and though that, the threads fate itself. This ability has made your line feared by the forces of both good and evil as unlike most, you have true free will."

"I'm not tied to any prophecy or fate, something like that?"

Hesitantly Belldandy nodded, "But there is more to it than that. You can manipulate the fates of others just as easily as your own. In fact, you've already subconsciously done so on six separate occasions over the past seven years."

He was about to open his mouth to ask what she meant when he closed it and gave it some thought. _'I resurrected Buffy, I figured out how to destroy the 'invincible' Judge, I stopped Willow from destroying the world, turned Anya into a Scooby, I suppose disarming the bomb to take out the Mayor counts.'_

"What was the last one?" he asked.

"The current head of the Slayer Line, Faith. By believing in her like you did, you set her down the path to redemption."

Shaking his head, he replied, "No Angel did that, not me."

Smiling at him serenely, Belldandy replied, "Yes, but by hurting you she felt the first true signs of guilt. Which grew and grew to the point she willing kept herself locked in a prison cell when no such thing should be able to hold one like the Slayer. That is-"

"Unless she wanted to be there." Xander finished.

"Indeed. But you have an additional ability one you accessed accidentally upon meeting me. Tied directly to your title as the One Who Sees."

"Caleb," Xander muttered in realization.

Quirking her head in confusion, Belldandy inquired, "Caleb, he was the Priest and Vessel for the First Evil was he not?"

Giving her a nod before pointing to his eyepatch, the demon hunter replied, "Yeah, he was also the one who gouged out my eye."

"I'm sorry." The sincerity in her voice was palpable.

Shaking his head, he told her, "Don't be, it's not your fault. But anyway, Caleb also called me the 'One Who Sees.' I thought he was just crazy at the time, but now..."

"He was likely receiving visions from the First. He knew you were dangerous. Being the One Who Sees allows you to…" She paused thinking about how best to explain, "See the truth of things. When you looked at me earlier, you saw my purest self. According to the Lexicanium, the library of Heaven, even magic holds no mysteries for you. As you perceive it differently, and in magic, perception is everything." Belldandy told him.

Xander took a minute to process this, before he asked for clarification, "So I'm a super wizard?"

This earned him a giggle. Belldandy's laugh was like the tinkle of wind chimes in the breeze. Hearing it both made him happy and put him at ease all at once. When it ceased, he was slightly disappointed, as he wanted to continue to listen to her laughter.

"Indeed, I suppose you could look at it like that."

Feeling a little more upbeat, he joked, "In that case, you can call me Dr. Alexander Lavelle Harris, Sorcerer Supreme."

"I'm not sure Stephen Strange would appreciate the comparison." She mused as she chuckled once again, this time wiping away a tear caused by her mirth.

This caught the young adult unawares, "You know about comic books up in pearly gates?"

Much to his surprise, Belldandy smiled conspiratorially before she said, "Can you keep a secret Alexander?"

"I kept the fact that vampires, demons, and other nasty things exist and my hometown is set upon a portal to hell. Yeah, I think I can keep a secret Bell."

His response, sounding amused yet delivered in a deadpan fashion caused the goddess to giggle once again before she answered, "Every author of every book is merely peering into another universe. They are not creating characters but writing about actual events."

Xander stared at the wall in silence for a full minute before rubbing his temples and saying, "Ow, my brain."

Again, her laughter echoed throughout the room. This was why she enjoyed her job, humans were so much more. More diverse than the Goddesses, Gods, and Spirits that inhabited the Celestial Realm, and made up the Celestial Bureaucracy. They came in all manner of shapes and sizes, but in the end, they had a sole function: To do good.

Humans, however, were capable of both great good and evil in equal amounts and were carefully manipulated and guided by the forces of both sides to ensure they grew strong enough to survive until the Promised Day. But, much like young children who thought they knew what was best for themselves, humanity often did what they wanted, when they wanted to do it. With no thought given to the bigger picture.

It made them easy prey for demonic temptation. But those who could resist such bittersweet fruits became the greatest of heroes much like the man before her. He may be of that bloodline, but she could feel it. He was a righteous person. He would do great things, terrible things, if it meant blackening the eye of the forces of evil. She would keep a close eye on him after he made his wish, that much was certain. She wanted to see how far he would go.

While Belldandy was lost in her amusement, Xander was giving his wish some thought. _'I have powers I don't know how to use. I could wish for information about that. **I am all alone now**. I have no money, but it would be stupid to waste it on a wish. **I am…all alone now**. The multiverse is real, I suppose I could wish for a portal gun. **I. Am. All. Alone. Now.'**_

He sighed and rubbed his head, that niggling little thought wouldn't leave him alone. 'Yes,' he admitted to himself, _'I am all alone now. But if I really think about it, I've been all alone for longer than just now. Surrounded by people like Buffy, Willow, Tara, Faith Kendra, Giles, I was just the normal one. An outcast in a group of superheroes.'_

 _Xander looked to Belldandy giving her a reassuring smile. 'She knows about my powers and how they work. I wouldn't be alone. She could help me probably. I wouldn't be alone anymore. She's gorgeous. **Hell yeah, she is.'**_

 _'Heh, **now** my subconscious agrees with me.'_ Xander thought before giving a small hyenic chuckle.

Feeling her hand on his shoulder, he turned to see the goddess staring at him in concern. "Alexander, is everything alright?"

 _'I don't want to be alone anymore. Just this once-.'_

He smiled at her sadly and said, "Yeah everything is fine. I-I just decided what to wish for."

Smiling at him with kindness and serenity surpassing even angels' Belldandy replied, "That's great. Feel free to go ahead whenever you're ready."

The young hunter cleared this throat, "I wish-"

 _'I shouldn't be doing this, it isn't fair to her.'_

 **What about you, what do you want?** A voice in the back of his mind counter-argued.

"I wish…"

Another pause, another mental argument. _'She'll hate me, she'll kill me for this.'_

 **No, she won't.**

 _'Oh, how do you know?'_ Xander snapped at his inner voice.

 **She said you could wish for anything, even the destruction of the universe. If she's ok with that, then why wouldn't she be alright with this?**

'…You have a point.' Xander conceded.

 **Of course, I do. Now make the damn wish already! We both know that you want to.**

Letting loose a sigh, he looked at the vision of loveliness, the Goddess, Perfecta Dea, that sat on the bed next to him; silently, serenely waiting for him to state his heart's desire.

"I'm sorry." He said at length. Guilt fleck in his tone.

Giving her head a minute shake she replied warmly, "Don't be."

He assumed she meant for his stuttering and stalling, but he was apologizing for something else entirely.

 _'Just this once, I'm going to be selfish.'_ He had told himself before he spoke the words that would forever change his fate.

"I wish, that a Goddess like you, would stay by my side…forever."

The last thing he saw, was a piercing flash of blinding white light emitting from the center of the Goddesses forehead, streaking skyward, towards the heavens…

 **(…)**

 **Chapter length: 4,300 words Number of Pages: 9 Date Completed: 1/8/2016**

 **(…)**

 **AN: Welcome one and all to the second crazy BtVS crossover fic I've ever written. Hopefully, you liked the intro. You may have noticed it's shorter than my usual fair, and the answer for that is simple. Writing long chapters isn't really a good idea, from what I've read, it's kinda a bad habit to fall into if one plans to write an actual novel.**

 **Yes, I know people like it, but on average a novel is somewhere between 100-175,000 words. If this was an actual book, there is no chance in hell it would be published if each chapter was 10-20k in length. It's just considered too 'bloated.' The best one could hope for with chapters that long would be to cut what would've been a single novel into a series of smaller books, like what Christopher Palioni did with "Brisingr." It was originally so long, he broke it up into two separate books, "Brisingr" and "Inheritance."**

 **But now onto the fic itself, and its inspiration. I've always been a fan of anti-heroes as they are a more realistic depiction of heroism in my mind at least. One of my personal favorites was and still is, John Constantine from Vertigo's Hellblazer series. Sarcastic, witty, seems to screw over fate and apocalypses on a regular basis. Then I starting thinking how similar he was to Xander, who acts much the same way: Sarcastic, Witty, has screwed over a prophecy or three. This made me think 'Is Xander sure Tony is his dad and not this guy? Because they are so similar, it's not even funny.' And that is how this fic got started.**

 **Also, since Rogue Trader went over so well, I thought I'd try something similar with the multi-crossovers here. Next chap things get bloody fun! But enough of my rambling. I bid you all ado till my next chapter.**

 **~ Bubbajack out! Peace!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Laughing Scooby**

 **By: Bubbajack**

 **Beta: Grammarly**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS or anything else in this fic.**

 **Ch.2: When heroes go shopping.**

* * *

Xander let out a groan as his alarm clock went off, waking him from his hard-earned if nightmare filled sleep. With an annoyed grunt, he swung his arm out, silencing the machine. While releasing a yawn, he searched around for his eyepatch.

"Here you are Alexander."

"Thanks," He grunted only half awake as he accepted his piece of pirate apparel and strapped it over his empty eye socket.

"You're welcome."

Upon hearing the kindly feminine voice for the second time, his head snapped to its owner. Belldandy sat on the opposite side of the bed, her blue robe was draped over a chair, and she was clad only in her toga, and jewelry. Her hair was down and slightly messy making her look rather inviting at the moment, but he shook off the feeling of his hormones in favor of something more pertinent.

"I feel I owe you an explanation. But before that, I have to know, Bell…are you mad at me?"

The Goddess shook her head, "No, why would I be?"

Giving her a sideways look, he replied, "Oh I dunno, maybe because I wished that you would stay with me forever and now you're stuck here with me on earth instead of doing…whatever it is you **_should_** be doing right now."

The goddess gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, before saying, "Alexander, I'm right where I need to be. The moment you made your wish, the place I'm supposed to be, was right by your side." Her smile practically lit up the room as she finished, "Besides, I'm sure my sisters are handling everything perfectly well in my absence."

 **-In Asgard-**

The Youngest of the three Norns, Skuld currently was having a hard time. For she was the only one working as an administrator for Yggdrasil at the moment. The multiversal supercomputer was at odds with itself at the moment all due to the wish of one person, which caused one of its system admins to be stuck on Midgard.

 _'_ _I can't believe Urd ditched me to see what's going on with Big Sis!'_ the young teen fumed as she attempted to bring Yggdrasil under control. Skuld wished she could go after her by herself, and see what kind of man Belldandy was no bound to, but she had a job to do here.

"Unlike some people." She muttered under her breath.

 **-Back on Midgard-**

"Well, that's a relief." Xander said before releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding, " The last thing I need on my conscious is the thought of the universe ending because I made a selfish wish…So, breakfast?"

"Sounds great!"

* * *

After having Belldandy change her attire into something a bit more conservative, a white t-shirt and jeans with leather sandals, the newly bound duo partook of the free breakfast offered by the hotel, before heading out for the day. As they walked down the sidewalk, Xander picked up every free paper he could get his hands on. The Goddess beside him inquired as to his behavior after they sat down on a bench.

"I'm looking for a house or an apartment we can rent." He had replied before he began looking through the papers. After perusing through three of them, he finally found one that looked almost too good to be true.

"No way, can't be."

"What is it?" Belldandy asked leaning closer so as to read over his shoulder.

Pointing to one ad, in particular, the cyclops replied, "Someone is selling a mansion house, right here in San Fran. Six bedrooms, five and a half baths, a dining room, study, library, kitchen, and home theater in the basement. It even has an in-ground pool in the backyard. Says here it's located at 1344 Prescott St." Xander gave his companion a look, "Wanna go check it out?"

"Mm-hm."

"If we manage to snatch this place up, then I'll need your help to find a place that sells… _special hunting items_ if you catch my drift." He asked while giving her a quick glance.

Nodding Belldandy replied, "I know just where to go. Would you like to see about the house first?"

Upon seeing him nod, the goddess took his hand and started to hum a tune. The air suddenly picked up around them, whipping around dirt and debris, causing him to cover his eye. Only when Bell stopped her song, did the winds slowly begin to die down. Once they stopped, he risked opening his eye to find they were no longer standing facing a busy street. Instead, they were standing in front of a rather large and apparently Victorian mansion.

The Laughing Magician blinked owlishly for a moment before turning to the goddess at his side and asking, "Teleportation?"

"I thought it would be faster than taking the bus or walking."

"True, next time, warn me, though. That scared me a bit." He told her not unkindly as he made his way towards the door, Belldandy following a step behind.

He knocked on the door, and moments later a genuine butler answered the door, dressed in a tuxedo, his thinning hair slicked back on his head. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Hi, I'm here about the house listing?"

"Ah, of course. Right this way sir, ma'am." The duo was led to a sitting room fill with dark wood furniture, with numerous items on the walls, from paintings to musical instruments, and stuffed animal heads.

After seeing them seated down on an overstuffed loveseat, the butler spoke while motioning towards an antique silver tea set situated on the coffee table in front of them, "I shall let Madam Madeline know of your arrival. Please, help yourself to some tea while you wait."

"How do you take your tea, Alexander?" Belldandy asked while reaching for the kettle and one of the cups.

"Five scoops of sugar please."

Belldandy paused just before pouring his cup and told him, "That's too much sugar, it'll completely mask the taste of the tea."

"Exactly."

Belldandy shook her head at his humor before adding three cubes of sugar and one scoop of cream to his tea and handing it to him, saying, "Here, try this. If you don't like it, that just means you need to try a sweeter kind of tea like peppermint or chamomile."

The cyclopean magician gave a non-committal grunt before accepting the drink and giving it a tentative sip. Grimacing ever so slightly, he groused, "Still not my cup of tea."

The Goddess let out a little laugh at his impromptu joke, causing him to chuckle a bit once he realized just what he'd said. The scene of two people laughing sitting comfortably in each other's company was what their hostess walked in on. Upon seeing the carefree scene before her, she couldn't help but comment, "Ah, to be young and in love."

The two turned to see an elderly woman slightly bent with age in a black gown with steel gray hair pulled into a tight bun, a slight smile on her aged face while the look in her gray eyes spoke of nostalgic times gone by.

"Madeline Caldswell." She told them before she offered her hand to Xander to shake, only for him to kiss the back of her hand.

"Alexander Harris ma'am." Ignoring how cold and clammy her hand was.

"My, my-"She said, blinking in surprise before an amused smile crossed her face, "A gentleman, and here I thought my dear Henry was the last of his kind."

"We are a dying breed ma'am." The young man confirmed before silently offering her his seat, which she politely declined before taking the chair opposite of the two.

After being handed a cup of tea by her butler, she said, "So you are in the market for a house?"

Nodding, Xander took over, "Yes…"

"But?" The woman asked quirking a single eyebrow.

"I'm not too sure about my own money situation at the moment." When she didn't interrupt, he continued, "You see; up until recently, I lived in a small town called Sunnydale, right here in California. I worked as a construction worker, a foreman actually…but a few days ago, the whole city was swallowed by a giant sinkhole."

Madeline covered her mouth in shock, "Oh my goodness! That must've been awful."

Appreciating her sentiment, he spoke next in a mournful tone, "I was. Some friends and I just so happened to be out of town at the time, but when we returned, everything…our homes, our jobs, friends, and family…were gone."

"You've been through quite a bit in a short amount of time." Madeline said sympathetically, before motioning to Belldandy and inquiring, "You told me you were out of town with some friends. Is this young lady one of them?"

The one-eyed carpenter shook his head, "No, I met her shortly afterward. I-my friends and I were involved in humanitarian work. I did it mostly on the side, while the rest did it for a living. After losing everything like that, I just…I felt the need to find my own way if that makes any sense."

The widowed woman nodded in a knowing fashion, "Sometimes, even being around those who care, can be painful. But as to your housing situation, do you have any money at all?"

"Uh-I guess I could check my Chase account. Hang on a sec."

The butler and his mistress shared an uneasy glance.

"Oh hey, it's still here." He said, sounding surprised and thankful that something was going right in his life for once.

"Good news, I have about two-hundred thousand in the bank. But that won't be nearly enough to buy this place will it?"

Taking a sip of her tea, Madeline replied, "I believe we may be able to work out an arrangement."

Xander looked up from his phone, ecstatic, "Really?"

"Indeed, you see this house is…I won't sugarcoat it. It's quite old Mr. Harris. It was built in 1882 by my Great-Grandfather which as you can imagine means it's very much out of date."

Upon hearing this, Xander sighed and began stroking his chin in thought, "Considering the age and the time of building, I'm assuming it has lead pipes, asbestos, probably has a sinking foundation at this point, and needs to be completely rewired. This whole house would need to be gutted…"

He then looked to Madeline and asked, "How the heck have you been living here all this time?"

Sighing she replied, "I was raised in a time when such matters as bills and such were left to one's husband Mr. Harris. I would tell him things needed fixing and expect him to either do it himself, or hire someone to do so."

"But he didn't?"

"I am afraid not. Henry's love of the hunt on the savannah, and travel, in general, overtook all else I'm afraid."

Xander was silent for a moment before saying, "So, what exactly are you proposing?"

Finally getting to the crux of the matter, Madeline steepled her fingers and locked her gaze with the young man before her saying, "I priced this house at one and a half million dollars, as is. But I am willing to reduce the price for the amount of work you put into fixing it up. Does this sound fair to you?"

He took a moment to think over her proposition. It would take time to bring this place up to code, but if done right, this house could be a home. One which he could afford. Nodding, he held out his hand and said, "You have a deal. Bell and I will need someplace to stay during renovations, though. So will you."

"I shall take the liberty of booking the four of us rooms at the Intercontinental San Francisco, while the renovations are being done." Madeline offered.

"You don't need to do that. I have plenty of money for a hotel." The part-time demon hunter said, waving her off.

"Nonsense, you'll need every scrap of money you have just to bring this house back to its' former glory. I insist."

Xander knew that tone. It was the same tone Joyce used on him whenever she thought he wasn't eating enough and he 'just so happen' to show up at their home and invite himself over for dinner. This was the tone used when something was made to sound like a request when it was anything but.

 _'_ _I thought only Mrs. Summers could do that. Apparently, I was wrong. All women are capable of it.'_

Putting up his hands in a show of surrender, he said, "Fine, fine, if you insist. I'll need to give the place a full once over before I do anything, though."

"Of course." Madeline motioned to her butler, "Jameson will be happy show you around, I'm sure."

"Certainly madam, right this way young sir."

* * *

Xander was given a full tour of the rather expansive house. As he suspected, the house had a ton of problems. Asbestos lining the walls, the foundation was sagging, the roof needed to be reshingled, the whole house needed new plumbing and wiring, and to top it all off, black mold was beginning to grow in the basement where the home theater was.

 _'_ _Damn this place is a mess.'_ Xander thought to himself before calling information to get in contact with the local branch of his construction company, _'But thankfully, I know just who to call.'_

Once he explained what happened to Sunnydale, they were both aggrieved to hear of the loss of the town and thrilled to hear that he had survived such a tragedy. When he told them why he had called, they jumped at the chance to fix up the 'Ole Caldswell Place' as it would bring their fledgling company good publicity and they couldn't 'not' help him. Not when he was so far down on his luck already. Snapping his phone shut after the call was done, he returned to the sitting room and gave everyone the good news.

Madeline's eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning, "Fabulous! Simply incredible news Mr. Harris. Did they tell you how long the renovations would take?"

Rubbing the back of his head, he replied, "This is just an estimate, but they think that they can get this place fixed up in about a month. Two tops."

The elderly widow looked surprised, "So soon?"

She received a smirk in return from the young man, "Yeah well, turns out I'm rather well known in the company, and so is this house. They think it would be good for their image if they restored it in a timely manner."

Madeline gave a knowing smile of her own, "Ah, I see. Shall we head to the hotel then?"

Glancing over to Belldandy, who had been quiet the entire time, Xander replied, "Actually, Bell and I have some other business to take care of today. But we'll be sure to see you later."

"Very well, I shall have a key left for you at the front desk," Madeline promised, before silently gesturing to Jameson.

"I shall bring the car around promptly madam."

For just a second, he thought he saw a pale woman in gothic attire with a silver Ankh around her neck giving him the biggest smile from the outside porch window. But when he turned to look, she was gone.

* * *

The two were outside, and once again walking down the street. He couldn't see her, but he could feel and hear his companion walking beside him. After a brief stint of silence, he inquired, "Hey Bell, why were you so quiet back there?"

Gifting him with a warm smile, the Norn replied, "No reason, it just seemed like you had everything with the apparitions under control."

"Apparitions?"

"Yes the spirits you were talking to, I could see them just as plainly as you could. You got them to move on quite nicely by promising to fix their old home, Alexander."

He stopped dead, an iceberg settling in his gut as a chill raced up and down his spine. Xander swallowed several times to try and bypass the lump in his throat. "Ahem, ahem…Bell, you mean to tell me, that the people I was talking to, Mrs. Caldswell and her butler Jameson, were actually ghosts?"

"Yes, that's right. You mean you didn't realize? She politely inquired.

Shaking his head numbly, Xander replied, "N-no, they looked real enough to me. Though that does explain how they were there in the first place. From the look of things, that place didn't look fit for human habitation."

Then something she said earlier struck him. "You said, I helped them move on...Like, to the afterlife move on?"

Nodding enthusiastically, she told her companion, "Yes, it seems that they refused to leave and allow the mansion to be torn down, and their haunting made sure none came near. But you promising to restore it, and planning on living there eased their worries enough that they felt they could continue on."

Giving a shrill whistle, the trouble-magnet said to himself, "I get mixed up in weird things without even trying. I thought it was because I was friends with the Slayer, but I guess some of it is all me."

"I told you you're uonique Alexander. Being in the right place at the right time is just one of your many abilities." The Goddess said to him.

Xander rubbed his temples in an attempt to process this new tidbit of information. Eventually, he gave up and said, "Right. So, that person who owes you a favor?"

"We'll need to teleport again. Is that alright?" Belldandy asked, sounding ever so slightly concerned.

Taking his hand in hers, he replied, "Where to this time, Bell?"

"Wyoming."

And with that, the two disappeared in a rush of wind.

* * *

When the gale cleared, Xander found himself in front of a warehouse. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about it. It was just your standard brick and mortar place, where goods were stored pre-transit. Turning to the Goddess and giving her an odd look he asked, "Ok, I'll bite. What are we doing at a warehouse in the middle of Wyoming?"

"This isn't just any warehouse Alexander. Can't you feel it?"

Feel wha-" _Now that see mentions it, why does it feel like there is a black hole that wants to suck up everything around me? Including whatever's in my wallet?'_

Squinting at the building, he was only mildly surprised when it was suddenly overlaid by a giant dragon made of all forms of wealth. Heaps of golden coins made up the scales on its belly, while the rest of its scales were shaped from every gem under the sun. Its grinning teeth and razor sharp talons were made of solid diamond, and the membrane between its chiropteran wings was made from all manner of paper money. But it was the eyes that drew him in. For within the sockets swam a nigh on infinite mass of human souls.

He could all but hear them crying for release. Most were bound by chains made from everything from paper money to poker chips. But others just seemed to be begging for release.

Just as quickly as it came, it was gone. But from that brief glimpse, Xander knew that the being they were going to see was greedy. Very greedy. He decided to be very careful with a being that would gladly barter in souls, be they human or otherwise.

"You sure we can trust this person?"

Shaking her head, the Norn replied, "I would not go so far as to trust him no. But he does repay his debts. And he does owe me a favor."

"Your words wound me Belldandy…even if they are wholly accurate."

The voice that called out in mock hurt belonged to a portly looking balding man wearing a blue track suit with two white stripes going down the arms and legs. Around his neck was an amulet of some kind on a golden chain.

Beside him was a greasy looking man in a suit.

Giving the man a warm smile, the Goddess greeted, "Hello Plutus, how have you been?"

Returning her smile with an oily one of his own, the man in the tracksuit, Plutus replied, "Oh you know, me. I always manage to find something to keep myself…occupied."

His gaze shifted to the young man next to her and Xander felt himself being sized up. He met the man's gaze, and returned it, unflinchingly. After a moment, he smirked and said, "So, the rumors I've heard are true. You actually have been bound here because of a human's wish. Heh-heh and people call me greedy."

"Kiss my ass you triathlon reject."

This caused the man to chortle, "Ho-ho, so this human has some bite to him after all! Tell me, boy, do you know who I am?"

"You're Plutus, Roman god symbolizing greed. You are more oft than not mistaken with Pluto Roman God of the Underworld. I could kill you if I had a stake made of wicker wood dipped in the blood of a beggar." Xander rapt off, though he had no idea how he knew any of that.

"Correct. You really ARE He Who Sees then. In that case…" He reached behind his back towards his waistband causing the boy to tense.

The Roman God smirked, "Please, do you really think I'd need something as mundane as a knife or a gun if I wanted to kill you?"

Upon hearing his reasoning, the cyclops relaxed slightly. Only to become confused when he was presented with a small notebook with a stylish looking red pen. Seeing the oblivious look he was receiving, Plutus opened the book, revealing it was an autograph book. Squinting at the names, he found the likes of Caligula, Scrooge, and Faust. Giving the God of Greed and incredulous look, he asked, "You want my autograph?"

"Indeed. If you'd sign just there next to Paris of Troy, I'd greatly appreciate it."

Xander worked his jaw silently for a few moments before finally asking, "Why exactly do you want my John Handcock?"

"Do you have any idea what your wish-To bind the Perfecta Dea to yourself forever- actually did? It threw the Celestial Bureaucracy into chaos. Not since Ragnarok has there been such an upheaval. All because of one selfish wish."

"It wasn't selfish!" Xander defended.

Raising an amused eyebrow, the deity retorted, "If greed and lust for her power and body didn't drive you into making your wish, then pray tell, what did?"

"Plutus," Belldandy warned interjecting on his behalf, "Alexander's reasons for his wish are his own! You have no right to pry."

Raising a hand before a fight commenced between gods that he wasn't sure he would survive, Xander told his companion, "It's okay Bell."

Looking to Plutus, he said bluntly, "I will admit that Belldandy is both beautiful and stronger than most of the things I've come across. But that's not why I wished for her to stay by my side. I wished for her to stick around because I needed a win. I needed a win because I'm someone who has lost everyone who matters to him in some form or another. To things like Vampirism, Destiny, Magic Addiction, their social status, my fuck ups, or good ole fashioned Death.

He stepped closer to the God, his glare fierce, and his tone cold as he continued, "I'm tired of it. I'm sick of having every good thing in my life being ripped away before I can actually appreciate it. So yes, I made a wish to have the one decent thing, a person, goddess like Belldandy, stick around because I. Needed. The. DAMN! WIN!"

The mortal and the god stared each other down for a moment before Plutus took his book back and turning on his heel, said, "I see. Well come along, I'm preparing for an auction tomorrow, and you're holding me up. I value my time as much as I do gold and souls."

The two were led into the warehouse proper, past a pair of brutish looking guards to where Plutus kept his wares. Shelves that towered all the way to the ceiling were filled with everything from mystical swords, to the corpses of dead creatures, amulets of unknown origins, and even a barrel of Jameson whiskey with the label 0001 on the old cask.

Turning to the duo, the God of Avarice inquired, "So, what is it you want from me Belldandy?"

"To repay your favor to me, I would like Xander to search your wares for something that will help him grow into his role. Do you find this agreeable, Plutus?"

The portly man grinned like a snake, "Hmm, on the one hand, I am loath to give things away so freely. Such is my nature."

The Norn nodded prompting him to continue, "Yet, on the other, I am curious to see what the boy would pick out…very well."

Turning to the human who had unknowingly earned his respect, he said, "Listen well boy, in order to repay my debt to Belldandy, you are permitted to peruse my collection and take something with you. Free of charge."

Xander noted how the last three words he spoke almost seemed to cause the God of Greed physical pain before turning to the Goddess beside him and saying "Seriously? I can pick out anything and take it with me?"

Giving him an encouraging smile, the goddess replied, "Yes, why don't you go have a look around?"

Casting his gaze out into the maze of shelves he said more to himself than anyone else, "We could be here awhile."

"We have nothing but time." She replied in a gentle understanding tone.

Giving her a small smile he nodded and headed off toward the treasure trove, only to stop turn and ask, "What exactly did you do to earn a favor from Bald, Pudgy, and Greedy anyway Bell?"

"Hey!"

Ignoring the affronted God, she answered, "I sang for him. I sang the Rarihozen the most potent of ballads in the Heavens that few have mastered."

Xander paused for a moment before nodding. As he walked off, he called back, "I'd like to hear you sing it sometime."

* * *

Xander had been walking amongst the shelves for what felt like hours, passing by all manner of artifacts. From bloodstained spears to gleaming blades, none of them really piqued his interest. Something he found odd as he felt more than confident that most if not all of these weapons belonged to legendary heroes of the past at one point or another. He picked up a gorgeous broadsword and gave it a few test swings before putting it back down, and giving his head a small shake.

 _'_ _It just didn't feel right to me.'_

Suddenly, he felt for lack of a better term, a tugging at the back of his mind. As if something were beckoning to him. Following the feeling past all manner of shelves filled with wondrous treasure, he finally came to a small alcove where several rows of shelves let out. Within the small space, Xander found an altar of stone, ringed with candles. As he approached, he made note of several items laid out on its face.

The first was a staff carved of some unknown dark wood with glyphs running all down its length, topped with the head of a cat, while its bottom half was sharpened into a stake. He took up the staff in his left hand.

Next to the stave was a ring forged of pure silver. Embossed on its round face was the Star of David with a dot in-between each point. He didn't know why, but he felt he should recognize the ring. Perhaps Willow mentioned something similar at some time during one of their many 'study sessions' in the library? He was unsure. He put the ring on the middle finger of his right hand.

Beside the ring, was what looked to be a cloak of some sort. It glowed with strange arcane sigils that winked in and out of existence, and unless his ears were going the way of his eyesight, he thought he could hear faint whispers promising of help coming from the thing. He threw the cloak around his shoulders. Much to his surprise, it transmogrified into a charcoal-washed long coat, yet the flashing sigils still remained.

A revolver with a pentacle carved into the stained wood grip sat next to where the cloak had lain. It seemed ordinary enough…which probably meant it was especially dangerous. With a shrug, he tucked the gun into his waistband behind his back.

He picked up a small drawstring bag next. Peering inside revealed all manner of stone shards. Some were the color of clotted blood, while others shined brightly and looked to possess a keen edge, and others still possessed a darkness about them.

At the far end of the slab, were the tomes. They were laying side by side, the first lacking a spine instead, being held shut by three brass hinges. Carved onto its face was a crude pentacle with a flaming eye in the center. Beneath the picture was some gibberish in what looked like Arabic, he couldn't even begin to decipher.

The second book was black and covered in intricate ivory scrollwork all surrounding what looked like a rather severe looking face.

Last of the three was an aged stone tablet with some type of foreign writing on it.

He picked them both up the first two and gave them a once over, before shrugging and placing them in the pockets of his new coat before doing the same with the tablet. He then left the way he came…yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he should be holding something in his right hand.

* * *

 _'_ _Today was weird.'_ He thought as he made his way back to Belldandy and Plutus. _'I mean, first I meet a pair of ghosts without even realizing it, then I have a Roman God asking for my autograph, now I'm kitting myself out like some kind of battle mage or something.'_

He smiled as Belldandy came into view, and he rushed to her side.

Reciprocating the gesture, she asked, "Did you find everything you needed Alexander?"

Scratching the back of his head, he replied, "I think so? It felt more like these things found me."

"Be that as it may, I said you could have one item from my stock, yet you've come out with no less than eight." An agitated and frowning Plutus grunted.

Giving the God of Greed an incredulous look, he shrugged and asked, "Well, what do you want me to do? Give you my autograph in order to get the rest?"

Plutus gave a rueful chuckle, "No, no. Not even your signature would get you seven additional artifacts. One maybe, but not seven." He then motioned with his hand beckoning the boy forward, "Now, I simply must insist you-"

The God was suddenly thrown off his feet and into a wall when the staff emitted a pale white light from the mouth of the cat-topped head.

Belldandy looked at him in surprise, to which he responded, "Don't look at me, I didn't do it. The staff did."

The God hefted himself to his feet a look of rage on his face, as his assistant returned with his guards, with a look promising pain, he spoke with vehemence, "You'll pay for that mortal."

"That's quite enough, I think."

Everyone turned to the entrance of the room to find an alabaster-skinned woman with a mane of wild black hair clothed in like a Goth. She wore all black attire, consisting of a t-shirt, gloves, jeans, which were held up by a studded belt, leather heels, even the eyeshadow around her gray eyes and her lipstick was black. Around her neck was a silver ankh. And near her left eye was some sort of curving beauty mark.

The girl easily made her way to the center of the room, as all eyes on her. Once she stood in front of the young man, she fixed his coat, and gave him a warm smile before turning to Plutus and frowning, "Don't you think this young man has been through enough lately?"

"I-you-how?" Plutus asked, his eyes wide, face pale, glued to her form.

The woman scoffed, "Pff as if your paltry wards could keep me out."

"Who are you?"

"She's-"Belldandy began only to fall silent when the woman sent her a look.

Turning to the one-eyed carpenter who asked the question, she replied, "I'm-a friend."

"Uh-huh, got a name, _friend_?"

Tutting, she inquired, "Why so distrustful of someone trying to help you?"

Shaking his head, he replied, "No one does anything for nothing, meaning either I did you a favor and didn't realize it, or, you need my help with something."

Giving him a wan smile, she told Belldandy, "You got stuck with smart one it seems."

"Yes, Alexander is always surprising me."

This caused the woman to smile warmly, her eyes twinkling with mirth, "Yes, I'm sure he does. As for a name, well I have a lot of them. But I have a preference for Teleute."

"Teleute." He said as if tasting the name on his tongue.

"Yes, and your right in that no one does anything without reason. As for mine, let's just say I owe you one." She finished by giving him a wink before turning back to Plutus and his cronies none of who had dared to make a move in all this time.

Scowling again, now that she had laid eyes on them, she said, "You're going to leave him alone and let him go on his way, understand?"

The Lord of Greed nodded rapidly as if he were afraid of what this girl could do to him if he did otherwise.

Teleute raised an eyebrow, "Well then, move!"

Xander resisted the urge to snort in amusement as Plutus and his cronies scrambled to get out of the way of the exit. The two followed Teleute as she leisurely outside. They continued to follow her a ways down the street until she stopped and turned to them saying, "There, this should be far enough. Plutus may be greedy, but he's not stupid enough to attack someone in broad daylight."

"Thanks for the save, but you're not a normal girl are you?" Xander asked.

Giving him a coy mysterious smile she asked, "What makes you say that Xander?"

To which he returned, "Gods don't typically fear mortals."

"Touché," she sighed, "You're perceptive, no I'm not a 'normal girl'… _if only_ …"

The last bit was said in a whisper, and so he pretended not to hear it. Instead, he asked, "So who, or what are you? A demon, a goddess, what?"

She seemed amused by his inquiry, "What makes you think I'm either of those?"

"I've had experience with both. I figured you were one, the other or something else." He replied with a shrug.

Her eyes twinkled in mirth, "You don't seem at all troubled by the fact I could be any of those three things…you are a curious one."

"Call it the mentality from growing up on a Hellmouth. I've dated a Mummy, was almost sexually assaulted by a Praying Mantis Demon. Possessed by a Hyena. Almost married a Vengeance Demon, and have fought things that would make people check into an asylum for the past seven years," Another shrug, "At this point, I don't think much of anything can faze me."

Putting her hands on her hips, she shook her head, "Don't be like that, you'll suck all the wonder out of life if you think you've seen it all already."

"I suppose you have a point there." He admitted, thinking back to what Belldandy told him last night about all literary works being true.

She smiled before making a happy sound, holding her hands behind her back before turning on her heel and saying "I suppose I should be getting back to work."

She turned back to the young man before her, "I enjoyed meeting you Alexander, and it's not often that I get to just talk to people like this outside of work. That said, I hope we don't meet again for a long time."

As she turned to go, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning she gave the boy, who was looking at her with concern in his green eye, a quizzical look. He said to her, "I know that tone. I've been around more than one superwoman in my time, and I know when things I weighing on a girl who could kick my ass six ways to Sunday. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you ever want to talk, or you just feel like dropping by to forget about work for a bit, my door is always open. Ok?"

Teleute, Death of the Endless looked into the eye of this mortal who was just beginning to come into his own. She didn't see fear, hatred, or dread that people usually associated with her. No, all she saw was a concern for her wellbeing. It had been so very long since someone besides her family had looked at her like that, she had almost forgotten what it felt like.

Giving him a forlorn smile, she replied, "Thank you Alexander, but I wouldn't want to impose."

"Nonsense, you wouldn't be imposing. Would she Bell?"

Ever the kind one the Norn replied, "No not at all. I would be more than happy to spend time with her just as you would."

That earned a chuckle from the Goth who sighed airily before saying, "Fine, fine, you can quit twisting my arm. I'll drop by when I feel the need to talk, ok?"

Xander nodded, "That's all I ask. I've worked with a certain Slayer long enough to know that if someone's on the job for too long, it'll wear you down. I'd hate to see that happen to someone as kind as you." He told her earnestly.

"Flatterer. You'd better watch this one Belldandy, or you could Fall before a month is out." She told the Goddess half-jokingly.

"I'll be sure to stay on my guard." The Norn joked back.

Teleute basked in the feeling of comradery for just a moment longer before she sighed before speaking in a tone ever so slightly filled with regret, "I really should be getting back to work."

Xander removed his hand from her shoulder, "Alright, just don't be a stranger."

Giving a mirthless chuckle, she retorted, "Most would say the opposite upon meeting me. You truly are a strange man, Alexander."

Then, she vanished into thin air, as if she never was. Rubbing his eye to ward off the growing metal fatigue, he asked, "Do I even want to know who or what she really is Bell?"

"It's not my place to say, Alexander, it's hers. But I will say she simply is and has been since the beginning."

Upon hearing him chuckle, she asked, "What is it, Alexander?"

"Oh, nothing. I just realized that it seems I have a penchant for picking up older women. First a millennium old Vengeance Demon, then the Norn of the Present, now a mysterious Goth as old as time itself. Well, I like mature women anyway."

Hearing this caused Belldandy to blush ever so slightly.

"Ready to go home Bell? We've got some plans to finalize."

Smiling, Belldandy replied, "Of course, Alexander.

Frowning slightly he said, "Hey Bell?"

"Yes?" She inquired cocking her head to the side.

"Call me Xander alright? All my friends call me Xander."

"Of course…Xander." She replied as if testing the name, "Shall we go home now?"

"Let's."

The two disappeared just as they came, in a swirl of wind…

* * *

 **Chapter Length: 6,665 Words Number of Pages: 15 Date Completed: 2/1/17**

* * *

 **AN: Hello all and welcome back to the Laughing Scooby. I meant to update it a lot sooner than this, but my desire to beat Bloodborne on NG+7 trumped my desire to write. Anyway onto events in this chapter. We've got Ghosts, Plot derailment for Supernatural Season 8, The Endless from Vertigo/DC Comics and I hinted at several other things in this chapter too, with all of the items that Xander picked up. Can you guess where they all came from? Or at the very least, what they are? One free answer to any one question for the first person who gets it right. Anyway, that's all for now, till the next chap, Bubbajack out! Peace!**

 **P.S. Before I forget, I would like to send out my heartfelt thanks to all sixteen people who reviewed. Thanks everyone, I appreciate it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Laughing Scooby**

 **By: Bubbajack**

 **Beta: Grammarly, Self-proofread**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or anything else in this fic.**

 **Ch.3: Something Strange in the Neighborhood.**

Once they got back to the Caldswell Place, Xander and Belldandy retired to the sitting room in order to take stock of the items he had taken away from Plutus' storehouse. He set them out one at a time on the dust covered coffee table before standing aside and remaining quiet while Belldandy looked over each piece. As she ran her hand over the carved wooden staff, her eyes widened. "Oh my goodness!"

"What, what is it?"

"It can't be…can it?" she asked herself, her tone filled with disbelief as she ignored her contractors' inquiry entirely.

Waving a hand in front of her face to get her attention, Xander asked pointedly, "Bell, what **_is it?"_**

Locking her eyes with his, she replied, "I can't be one-hundred percent sure, not without consulting my elder sister Urd. Items and practices of the past are of her dominion."

Slowly, Xander nodded, "Ok. Well, what do you think it is?"

After another moment of hesitation, she said, "I believe this could be the Staff of Solomon."

Xander blinked once, then twice before, "Solomon, as in the biblical one?"

The Norn nodded looking grave, "Indeed, but if it is indeed the very same staff, then it has a much older history than that. I would like to wait for confirmation from my sister before I say anymore."

Xander had half a mind to protest but thought better of it in the end, _'After all, she wouldn't even be here to help me right now if I hadn't asked her to stay. Let her keep quiet about things if she wants.'_

She moved onto the ring next. "I do believe this is Solomon's Ring with which he bound all seventy-two Princes of Hell, along with seventy-two corresponding angels of the Cherubim Rank and all of their legions."

"Are you saying I have an army?"

Slowly, hesitantly, Belldandy nodded, "Possibly, yes." She locked eyed with her contractor before continuing, "Xander, this Ring is very dangerous. If it were to fall into the wrong hands…"

"Someone would control an army of angels and demons, potentially bringing about a New World Order." He finished, "Should I bury the thing, or find some way to destroy it?"

The brunette shook her head, "No, it can't be destroyed so easily. It was given to Solomon by Yahweh, a deity. As such, only a God or Goddess can destroy it."

Raising a quizzical eyebrow, he inquired, "Aren't you a Goddess? Can't you just…ya know, and then poof?" he asked while waving his hands while wiggling his fingers around for emphasis.

That earned him a chuckle from the Norn as well as a shake of her head, causing her wheat brown locks to sway. "No, I'm afraid not, for I do not have sufficient power to do so. It would take one on the Almighty One's or Odin's level of power to unmake the Ring."

"That's some LotR type shit right there. Where's Mount Doom when you need it?" he joked trying to lighten the serious atmosphere.

"Indeed. Let's just put the ring aside for now and look at the other artifacts, alright?"

Just as the Norn reached for the strange coat, there was a knock at the door. "Who could that be? Wait right here Bell, I'll be right back…" Xander said, suspicion entering his tone as he pocketed the pistol he had picked up before heading towards the door.

A few moments later he returned looking completely baffled, carrying a manila envelope. "We've got mail."

Belldandy's eyes narrowed in suspicion as she laid eyes on the package. Seeing the intensity of her gaze, Xander acted as if he was handling a bomb and carefully and very gently, placed it on the coffee table with the remaining artifacts.

Huffing ever so slightly in annoyance, Belldandy opened the package and upended it, allowing a VHS tape to fall into her hand. She glanced around briefly before her eyes landed on a dust covered tape player sitting above a small television. With a purposeful stride, she put the tape in the machine and hit play before turning on the tv.

For a moment there was only darkness on the screen, then various erotic images appeared on the screen, as a dusky-skinned vivacious woman with hair like pale moonlight, clad in dark attire that just screamed sorceress smiled like a wolf as she made her way towards the screen. Xander didn't even wait for her to open her mouth to speak before he reached for the gun on the coffee table and pointed it at the woman.

"I don't know who the fuck you are or what you want, but you've got five seconds to explain yourself before I get to find out what this gun really does."

His frigid tone caused the woman to stop cold in her tracks and stare at the young mortal before her, "My goodness you're quite paranoid, aren't you dear?"

"One."

Holding up her hands placatingly she turned to Belldandy and spoke nervously, "Bell, tell him to back off would you?"

The Goddess in question gently put a hand on the barrel of the gun, forcing it down ever so slightly, and causing him to look at her in askance.

"Xander, this is my older sister Urd. Please, put the gun down."

He looked to her, then the nervous girl on the screen before he blinked hard, activating his Sight, what he saw surprised him. The Goddess before him was no goddess at all, but a Nephalem, the progeny of both angelic and demonic heritage. Half of her form was bathed in darkness and flame, with a wing made of acrid smoke while the other half was covered in light and lightning from the heavens, its wing forged of a lightning bolt. Even her angel reflected her dual nature, as it was half black and half white, possessing a pitch black angle wing.

"A Nephilim?"

Upon hearing him, the white-haired goddess shrunk back as if she had been struck. This quickly passed however as she was soon filled with anger, and stalked forward like a lioness.

"How did you know?" she bit out each word like vile poison, her tone silky and dangerous.

Belldandy stood protectively in front of her contractor as her sister clamored out of the television like Sadako Yamamura, hands first, her white locks covering her face. Glaring up at her younger sister from her place on the floor once she had fully materialized, she told her, "Move, Belldandy."

"You know I can't and won't do that Urd," Belldandy stated, her voice firm with resolve as she stood down her elder sister.

"You heard him, he called me a Nephalem! I'm a Goddess, damn it! I'm a good person."

"I-"Belldandy paused when she heard footsteps coming from behind her, "Xander what are you doing?!"

For the Human had stepped out from behind his protector and stared down his would-be attacker. He looked into her eyes for a time, just as she glared into his. Finally, he offered her a hand and said, "Sorry about that, I'm still getting used to this whole magic thing. C'mon, you'd better get up before you catch tetanus or something from being on the floor."

Urd blinked, staring at the offered hand for several seconds before daintily accepting it and allowing herself to be hauled to her feet by the very same boy who had incited her anger just moments before. Her purple eyes stared into his remaining hazel one, and after a moment she asked, "Are you mad, coming up to an enraged Goddess like that?"

"Pff, honey, you're talking to a guy who has dealt with apocalyptic level events every year for the last seven years. If you're going to try and frighten me, you'll need to work a helluva lot harder than throwing a temper tantrum."

"Temper tantrum? Hmph." Urd huffed and looked away peering at him through a half-lidded purple eye.

"What else would you call it?" he asked, his tone dry.

Urd flipped her hair out of her face, dismissing his remark entirely and asking, "Whatever, do you have anything to drink?"

Xander scowled, "Oh great, the multiverse is under the supervision of drunk. How have we not all died yet?"

Urd opened her mouth to retort when she was cut off by an "A-Choo."

The two looked over to Belldandy, who had just sneezed. "Bless you."

"Thank-A-Choo-you Xander." She replied before sneezing again.

Giving her younger sister a slightly concerned look, Urd asked, "Bell are you alright?"

Nodding, she replied, "Oh yes, I'm-A-Choo-fine."

"She might be sneezing because of the dust. Hang on a sec, and I'll open a window." Xander said.

Doing so, he allowed the cool night's breeze to flow into the room. Turning back to her he asked, "There that better?"

"A-ah-choo!"

Xander rubbed his nonexistent beard in thought, "Guess not…hmm, maybe you're coming down with something because you're not used to the germs down here?"

"Hey, I think the pirate might be onto something there."

Ignoring the glare she was being sent, Urd rolled up her sleeves before her fingertips began to crackle with mystical energies, "Bell hold still, this won't hurt a bit."

"Woah, whoa, whoa! What are you-"Xander didn't get to finish as Urd zapped her younger sibling with divine power.

Nothing happened for a moment, then steam began to come from every pore of the ill goddess' body. Her complexion soon became rosy and healthy looking, and Urd put her hands on her hips and nodded, satisfied with her work. "There, feeling better now Bell?"

"What the hell was that?!" Xander exclaimed.

"Just a booster shot, it purged contaminants' from her system."

Xander gave the elder goddess a sideways glance, "That's all it was supposed to do?"

"Of course, why do you ask?"

In response, Xander pointed at the mist which had c into a massive white blob covered in crystalline spikes. "Then explain that."

The dark-skinned goddess looked at the strange creature before going, "Oops."

"Oops?!"

Suddenly the creature attacked, firing out its crystal spikes. Xander didn't even bother to think, so honed were his natural instincts due to hunting with the Slayer for years. He tackled Both Belldandy and Urd behind the loveseat, pulling them down as shards of the unknown stone substance tore through the cushioned seat like paper before they spread out, turning their cover into a large gemstone.

"Urd, what the hell did you do?!" Xander yelled at her over the din of furniture being destroyed.

Purple eyes met hazel as the goddess shrugged, "I don't know how this happened! That spell should've just purged Belldandy of her sickness."

"I believe-"Belldandy pulled her head down as a shard whizzed by her, before continuing. "That Urd overdid it and regressed the germs to primordial ooze. However, it seems to have some form of sentience."

Xander peeked out from behind their makeshift barrier to see a mass of slime that was constantly shifting states. It was a mess of tendrils eyes, teeth, claws, feathers, scales, and bits of bone, which twisted and melted before reforming all over again.

 _'_ _Damn it's ugly.'_ He thought to himself. Looking down at the gun in his hands, Xander turned to the source of his current predicament and asked, "What can you tell me about this gun?"

One glance at the weapon and Urd replied, "A special Colt made by Samuel Colt circa 1836, during the thirteen-day siege of the Alamo. It can kill almost anything with its bullets."

Flipping open the chamber, Xander found he had three bullets in the chamber. Giving the two goddesses a nod, he said, "I'm going for it."

Belldandy reached out for him, attempting to protest, only for him to fling himself out from cover. Sliding across the floor on his side, and time seemed to slow for Xander as he sighted in the amorphous blob, due to the adrenaline pumping through his veins. There was a thunderous crack as he squeezed the trigger. The bullet met the gelatinous creature and pierced its hide with no resistance. The moment the bullet buried itself home in the abominations flesh, all of its eyes glowed yellow before an electric crackle filled the air briefly before it slumped; becoming an inert mass of goop.

"Xander, are you alright?!" Belldandy called out in concern.

Turning towards their hiding spot, he replied, "Yeah I'm fine. Slime monster is dead, it's safe to come out now."

Hurrying out from behind the crystallized loveseat, Belldandy rushed to her contractor's side and swiftly began to look him over for any injury. Not wanting her to fret over him unnecessarily, he gently put his hands on her shoulders and said, "Bell, I'm fine. Don't worry, I'm used to this kinda stuff."

He then turned to Urd, who was sneaking glances out from behind the ruined piece of furniture and had a Cheshire cat-like grin on her face. Frowning her said, "As for you, I think we need to set down some ground rules."

"Rules? But those are no fun." Urd said with a pout.

"Tough, you almost killed us by acting recklessly. Which leads to our first rule. No magic without permission."

"What? You can't tell me I can't use my magic!" Turning to her sister for support, Urd implored, "Bell, tell him."

"I know you meant well Urd, you always do. But you put Xander and even the both of us in danger. I think it would be best if you thought a little more before you acted."

Scoffing, the moonlight-haired goddess retorted, arms crossed, "Hah, I could've killed that mobile piece of snot at any time."

"I'm sure that's what the Elder Things thought to when they originally created the Shoggoths," Belldandy replied her tone holding the slightest tones of rebuke.

"A Shoggoth, you mean from H.P. Lovecraft? Those things are real?" Xander asked while feeling a headache coming on, leading him to rub his temples.

"Of course, what do you think you just killed?" Urd asked rhetorically.

Leaning against the crystalline couch and still rubbing his temples, Xander groaned and asked, "How?"

The Norn of the Past shrugged, "It's probably just like Bell said, my affinity with the primordial, and overuse of magic regressed the virus into its primeval state and enhanced it far beyond what it should've been capable of due to the influx of magical energy."

Taking a deep breath and releasing it as a sigh, Xander got to his feet before saying, "Ya know what, fuck it. I don't even care if all life on earth, including humans, actually evolved from those things like in Lovecraft's writings. It doesn't matter, what matters is that you're here and now that you are, you can help us."

Raising a quizzical eyebrow, Urd inquired, "Help you with what?"

"Xander acquired some artifacts, and we need them identified. But before we get to that, what are you really doing her Urd? I know you shouldn't even be here as you're only a Second Class Goddess with a Limited License." Belldandy asked with half-narrowed eyes.

Holding up her hands in surrender, Urd relented, "Fine you win. I'm here because your boyfriends wish crashed Yggdrasill."

"My wish crashed the supercomputer keeping the multiverse intact?" Seeing Urd nod, he asked, "Then how are we not all dead?"

"We installed failsafe's after it happened last time."

Last time?" The mortal inquired.

"The Dark Ages." Urd clarified.

Xan nodded in understanding "Ah."

The coffee-skinned goddess continued, her tone grave, "But that's not what you should be concerned about," Urd shook her head causing her hair to form a snowy halo around her, "No, I'm afraid the consequences of your wish are far direr."

Covering her mouth in fear as she tried to withhold a gasp, Belldandy managed to get out, "You don't mean?"

Urd nodded gravely, "Yes, the Horsemen."

* * *

Fury knelt within the volcanic chambers that housed the monolithic Charred Council. As one of their enforcers, it was her duty to carry out their will and uphold the balance. The Horseman knelt in respect upon receiving her summons.

The third of the three heads, the one on the right, spoke first, which was unusual as he was slow to rouse. "DO YOU KNOW WHY WE CALLED YOU HERE HORSEMAN?"

Shaking her head from her kneeling position, the Nephilim replied, "No, I do not. But by calling upon me, I presume the Balance is at risk?"

The head on the left spoke next, "CORRECT. A CHILD OF THE THIRD KINGDOM HAS BEEN GRANTED A WISH BY YGGDRASILL, BY VIRTUE OF HIS HEROISM IN FIGHTING THE DREGS OF HELL, AND THE CORRUPTION."

Fury looked up, surprised. For it was rare that such a person was brought to their attention. They usually wished for something mundane and then went on with their lives. So the Horseman found herself curious as to what could rally a response from the Council.

The left head continued, "HE WISHED NOT FOR WISHES OR ANYTHING AS MUNDANE AS THAT. NO, HE WISHED FOR THE GRANTER OF HIS WISH, BELLDANDY OF THE NORN, TO STAY WITH HIM FOREVER MORE."

Fury started, _'He desired to keep a Norn, by his side forever? To what end? Power, Desire, or some grander scheme?'_ She shook her head, banishing her thoughts. For, in the end, it mattered not what his reasons were. The act of binding a Goddess in the realm of the Third Kingdom tipped the balance in favor of the Lords of Heaven.

"WHAT'S MORE, HIS WISH CAUSED THE YGGDRASILL TO CRASH, SETTING BACK THE PROMISED DAY BY CENTURIES! HE MUST BE PUNISHED!" The center head raged.

Nodding in acceptance, Fury asked about one vital piece of information, "Might I know the name of my target?"

The demonic skull on the left spoke again, "His name is Constantine, Alexander Lavelle Constantine."

A shiver of fear rolled unbidden down Fury's spine upon hearing that name. Constantine. Those of that accursed bloodline would oft meddle in the affairs of the First and Second Kingdoms. 'For the sake of free will.' They would stick their noses in business that was no concern of theirs throughout the centuries, usually the business of the Horsemen. Just hearing the name had her second-guessing his reasons for wanting to keep a Goddess by his side.

Rising she resolved to herself that she would find out his scheme before she killed him.

"ARM YOURSELF, HORSEMAN!" The council echoed as one.

Rising to her feet, Fury approached the lava pool in front of the Council and dipped her arms in the molten earth. She felt something foreign creep and crawl through her flesh, causing her uncomfortable pain as she pulled her whip Rosaria and her gauntlet, Mortification from the pool. Now so armed, she left the Council chambers.

Waiting for her at the horse stables was her eldest brother Death. He was leaning against a wall, across from Torment's stable, eying her through the slits in his mask. He looked at her for a moment before inclining his head in greeting and speaking in his dark, somber tone, "What did the Council ask of you sister?"

"They tasked me with the slaying of one of the Constantine bloodline. He was granted a wish by the Yggdrasill, and used it to bind the granter, Belldandy of the Norn to his side on Earth."

"And having her there tips the Balance in Heaven's favor and cannot be allowed." Death finished for her before he hummed in thought.

Looking at her brother in askance she inquired, "What is it Death?"

"I just can't help but wonder at it all. A Constantine gets a wish, and instead of wishing for an end to the Host of Heaven and Hordes of Hell, he makes a simple yet complicated wish of having a Goddess by his side? Most curious isn't it?"

Fury looked away, the thoughts having crossed her mind before she learned her target was a Constantine having resurfaced in full. These ideas continued to plague her even as she rode off on her black steed Torment, making her way for the Third Kingdom.

* * *

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This was a harsh lesson Plutus was learning now, after centuries of existence. For he found himself being shouted at by a quartet of humans, an angel, and a demon.

"What do you mean someone else has it?" Crowley asked, heatedly.

Giving an uncaring shrug, the deity replied, "Just as I said, the angel tablet is no longer in my possession. It, along with several other items, were given to another to pay off a debt I owed."

"Who has it now tracksuit?" a human with spiky brown hair asked.

Smiling jovially, Plutus replied, "A Constantine."

Upon hearing this, Crowley paled as if someone had stepped on his grave, "You gave the tablet to a Constantine?"

Seeing him nod, the King of the Crossroads stood and roared, "WHO?!"

"Yes, his name?! Alfie demanded, sounding equally frightened of the idea of this 'Constantine' having his hands on the Angel Tablet.

Giving a greasy smile like that of an eel, Plutus said, "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what you're asking for is information is a commodity. So, knowing this, what are you willing to pay?"

As a bidding war consisting of the selling of the Vatican, the Mona Lisa, the 'real' Mona Lisa where she was naked, and countless human souls were wagered between Alfie and Crowley; Sam and Dean shared a glance. Kevin turned to Sam who whispered, "What's the deal with this Constantine guy?"

Shrugging slightly, Sam replied, "No idea."

It was Castiel who answered, "They are not one person but a bloodline. Those of the Constantine bloodline have long opposed the forces of heaven and hell, and have sought to constantly undermine both in the name of free will. Conning, betraying, and playing both sides against each other for centuries."

Sam and Dean looked at each other before Dean smirked and said, "Sounds like our kinda guy. Why didn't you ever mention him before Cas?"

"I didn't want you both to end up dead." The angel stated in his ever-tactless fashion.

"Dead?" Kevin inquired.

Nodding sagely, his face severe, Castiel continued, "Yes, those who associate with the bloodline of Constantine inevitably end up dying horrible deaths. Usually, they die in place of the Constantine due to some form of trickery on their part. Besides all that, I didn't think you two associated with magicians."

"So what your saying is, the Tablet is in the hands of a mage who will sacrifice anyone to bring down both Heaven and Hell?" Dean asked eyes narrowed.

"Most likely," the angel affirmed with a nod, "That's is why we must get the Tablet away from him as soon as possible, at any cost."

"I'll have you know you're wrong about him. He really is quite the gentleman hero."

The group leaned to the left to find a Pale Lady in a gothic dress frilled in white lace. She had a silver ankh around her neck and an eye of Horus tattoo near her eye, with a parasol lying across her lap. Completing the outfit was the matching bonnet on her head.

Castiel's eyes widened in fear, "Your-"

"-A friend of the Constantine you're looking for," She interrupted smoothly, "If you want to find him, you'll need to head to San Francisco."

Giving the woman a confused look, Sam asked, "Why are you helping us?"

Smiling at him she replied, "I'm helping you because I know you'll help him." She let out a dry chuckle, "He needs all the help he can get."

"Who are you, lady?" Dean asked.

The Pale Lady just repeated herself, "I told you already, I'm a friend of Constantine. Now, you'd better be going while those two buffoons are still haggling with Plutus."

As they got up to make their way out of the makeshift auction house, Sam felt the woman grab his wrist. Looking back at her, he listened as she implored, "Please, keep him safe…also, don't judge him before you get to know him. You of all people should know better than that."

Sam's eyes widened in surprise, and he opened his mouth to question her only for her to give him a prod with her parasol, sending him stumbling, as he heard, "Now get going."

When Sam turned back, the Pale Lady was gone, as if she was never there in the first place. Sam shook his head in confusion, but after everything he'd been through, he decided not to question it. Instead, he made his way towards the impala.

* * *

Xander Belldandy and Urd had just finished repairing the sitting room, with the two goddesses going the extra mile to sing the house cleaner. Xander had half a mind to ask just how that worked but shook his head, telling himself, _'Don't bother Xander, you'll just give yourself a headache.'_

Now that the place was back in order and cleaner than before, they sat around the coffee table as the eldest of the Norns examined the haul of magical artifacts the boy had on display before her. Picking up the leather bound tome held shut by brass clasps, she asked, "Just how did you come into possession of all this? The Colt I could understand. But it, along with the Ring and Staff of Solomon, the Rainbow Coat of Joseph, The Kitab al Azif, and yet another grimoire."

Pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, Xander asked, "Go through that again one at a time."

Obliging, Urd held up the Colt, "This one you already know about, it can kill almost anything in one shot with its special bullets."

She placed the gun down and picked up the Ring, "This is the Ring of Solomon, also known as the Lemegeton. It allows for the summoning and controlling thirty-five hundred legions of angels and demons or 21,700,000 troops from each the First and Second Kingdom."

Xander felt his jaw drop but couldn't bring himself to snap it shut. Instead, he asked, "You're shitting me right? This thing gives me an army almost twenty-two million high, made out of angels and demons?"

"That's right. Though technically you command the Commanders of Heaven and Princes of Hell who themselves have legions at their back. But since you command their lords, the other's will have to obey you as well."

Feeling a headache coming on Xander asked, "What about the staff?"

The moonlight haired goddess glanced at the staff before looking away. Taking a moment to gather her thoughts, "This staff, though taking its name from Solomon, is far older than him. It existed long before humanity and was used by the Elder Things to combat the forces of the Great Old Ones, precursors to the Old Ones, or pureblooded demons as you know them. The staff was used by Moses to part the sea and then used as a scepter for Solomon during his rule. It was lost for a time only to resurface during the sixteenth century to be used by a preacher turned Hunter by the name of Solomon Kain. It disappeared again after his death…and now, it comes to you."

Now Xander was absolutely certain he had a headache. Regardless he motioned for Urd to continue, "You said something about one of the books? The Kitten All of This or something?"

"Kitab Al Azif. Better known as the Necronomicon, or Book of Dead Laws." She corrected.

Xander threw up his hands in surrender, "Of course! I mean, if Shoggoths can exist, why not the damn Necronomicon that can summon eldritch horrors? I mean why the hell not?"

He felt a sudden gentle touch on his temple. Glancing over, he found Belldandy touching his temple as she hummed a tune. Moments later, his mounting headache eased away into nothingness. Looking at him in concern she asked, "Are you feeling better now Xander?"

Taking a moment to take a breath and calm himself, the Californian nodded, "Yeah, thanks, Bell."

Gracing him with an encouraging smile, she replied, "Of course, anytime."

"Oh, should I leave you two alone for a bit? I'm beginning to feel like a third wheel here…that is unless Xander doesn't mind if I join in on the fun too?"

"Urd!" Belldandy's face turned tomato red as she chastised her sister for her brazen flirtatious behavior.

Shaking his head, the cyclops replied, "Just, just get on with it Urd. After the Necronomicon which I assume allows me to summon eldritch horrors, what about the cloak? You called it Joseph's Rainbow Colored Coat, I believe?"

She nodded, "That's right, it's the same one from the biblical story, and it has the ability to heal its owner of even the most grievous of wounds as long as they are wearing it."

Xander pulled the coat around himself a little tighter before asking, "And the pouch of stones?"

Opening and upending the bag, Urd looked them over with a curious eye. After a moment she replied, "They seem to be some kind of ore that I haven't come across before. None of them are native to this dimension I can tell you that much."

"Metal from another dimension...out of everything you've said to me, that's the easiest to accept. Anything else I need to know about?"

Urd shook her head, "No, I can't tell you about the other grimoire."

"Why not?"

Chuckling, she replied, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but that thing isn't from the past, but the future."

The California native felt his remaining eye begin to twitch violently, "I see."

He then stood up, staff in hand, and headed for the door. He stopped when he heard Belldandy call out to him, "Xander wait, where are you going?"

"I-I need to clear my head Bell. I'll be back in a little bit ok?" With his peace said, Xander walked out of the house.

* * *

Xander walked down the streets of San Francisco aimlessly, trying to sort out the mess his life had become. The one-eyed carpenter honestly didn't think it could get any worse having lost his home to the forces of evil. But it seems that life away from the rest of the Scoobies is even more complicated than he imagined. Xander passed a club entitled **_P3_** and briefly thought about entering, but decided against it. He didn't feel much like dancing at the moment.

 _'_ _I really do want to do something to take the edge off, though. I'm not drinking and becoming Tony 2.0 if Anya were here…well, stress wouldn't be a problem.'_ He sighed thinking of all the nights of passion he spent with the former demoness.

 _'_ _I miss you An, I hope you're in a better place.'_

"Careful there lad."

Xander was brought out of his musings by a thick yet kindly voice. Turning to the speaker, the mage found himself struck speechless. Sitting on a stool on the sidewalk painting, with a burlap sack on the ground next to him, was a big burly man with a man of unkempt red hair and a big bushy beard of the same color. Of all things, he was wearing a musketeer's uniform. The iconic red coat of the British Musketeers straining against his muscle mass.

"Sorry," Xander apologized, more for staring then almost bumping into the man.

The Raggedy man waived off his apology, "No harm done lad."

Leaning around the man, he took a look at what he was painting. Xander expected to find images of people walking down the street. Instead, the image was that of a girl with golden blonde hair and eyes like jade clad in an armored blue dress, depicting a dragon in sapphires on the silver chestplate. She stood on a green hill with a cloudless blue sky above. Her massive broadsword sheathed in front of her, the sheath itself a work of art. Crisscrossing gold and blue enamel adorned the scabbard as well as some illegible language.

"That's a beautiful picture…how much would you want for it?"

The artist looked at the painting on his easel then at the one-eyed man before him. "You actually want to buy this? You like it, really?"

Nodding, the Scooby replied, "Yeah, it's great. I think so anyway. Why is it not finished yet?"

The Raggedy Man shook his head, "No, no it's done, I just never expected anyone to like my work much less want to buy it."

Xander laughed a little, "Well, I guess it's true what they say, an artist's greatest critic is always themselves."

He then reached for his wallet, only for the small bag containing the strange ore to fall out and spill over the sidewalk. The Raggedy Man assisted him in picking them up and began looking them over with a critical eye as he did so. After all the stones had been placed back in the bag, he said, "That's some fine ore you have there, lad. You could forge an excellent blade with that metal."

"You think so?" Xander glanced at the pouch skeptically.

The Raggedy man nodded, "I know so…I tell you what since you were kind enough to buy my artwork, how about I return the favor and bring that metal to a friend of mine. He'll make you a masterpiece for sure."

 _'_ _What have I got to lose, a few chunks of metal if he ends up lying?'_ With a shrug, he handed the pouch to the man and said, "Wait right here while I get some cash real quick.

Xander entered a smoke shop intent on merely swiping his card for change, but rushed to the back when he heard a crash. An elderly man stood there cursing silently, at a crate full of cartons of cigarettes.

"You alright sir? I heard a crash." He said upon approaching the man.

"Hmm, oh I'm fine kid, but thanks for coming to check. I'm just trying to get rid of this horrible junk." He replied as he lightly kicked the crate full of cigs.

Reaching down, Xander picked up a carton, it had a yin-yang symbol with a red and blue circle around it. Some kind of Asian dialect was written on the packaging. "What's wrong them?"

"They taste like crap and considering I'm saying this about cigarettes that's saying something. My usual stuff got mixed up with this trash from Taiwan. Nobody in their right mind would buy it." He replied shaking his head in despair.

 _'_ _Well, I did say I needed a way to relieve stress.'_ The one-eyed carpenter thought to himself before he said, "How much for the crate?"

The man blinked owlishly at him, "Your joking right? They really are awful."

Shrugging Xander replied, "I wouldn't know I've never smoked before, but things have happened lately and-"

The elderly man nodded knowingly, "I hear ya. Fifty bucks for the crate and I'll even throw in a cigarette case and lighter of your choice."

"Deal, I also need twenty-five in change."

The two shook hands, and the man happily rang up his purchase which included a silver lighter and matching case for his new smokes. Handing the Raggedy Man twenty-five bucks, he looked over his new purchase and noticed something amiss as the man was about to put his easel away.

"You forgot something."

"What's that?" the painter asked, pocketing the pouch of stones.

Pointing at the bottom right of the painting Xander replied, "You forgot to sign it."

Looking slightly embarrassed as well as flattered, the man took a small thin brush and dipped it in some white paint before signing his name in clear cursive.

Olethros.

Xander examined the name for a moment before setting the crate and painting down and holding out his hand, "Thanks for doing this for me Olethros, I appreciate it."

Giving a slight smile, he gripped his hand and replied, "Not a problem lad, the pleasure is mine, believe me."

"So about the sword, when and where should I come to get it?"

Olethros shook his head, "Don't worry about finding me lad, I'll find you when it's time."

Xander wanted to question that, but the man continued before he could so much as open his mouth, "Anyway it's getting late, and I'm sure someone is waiting back home for you yeah?"

Looking around, Xander saw shadows creeping across the buildings as the sun began its final descent. Not wanting her to worry he decided to hurry back to his Goddesses side, "Yeah, I'll see you around."

The Raggedy Man watched silently as the boy faded out of sight, consumed by the coming darkness. _'You sure do know where to find the interesting ones, dear sister.'_

Aloud he spoke, "If you were wise, you would leave him be Horseman."

Stepping out from the shadows, Fury replied, "You know I can't do that. The will of the Council-"

"The will of the Council. Bah, what's the worst they can do? Talk you to death?"

Shaking her head, the Nephilim replied, "You have no idea Old One, of the power the Council wields."

Turning his head so he could look at her, he said in a grave tone, "That may well be, but I know full well the power of my own kin, and the fury she will unleash upon you if take what is hers. Good day Horseman."

With a slight nod he turned and began to walk off, only to turn and pose a question, "You wouldn't happen to know where the Blackhammer could be found, would you?"

* * *

 **Chapter Length: 6,287 words Number of Pages: 14 Date Completed: 3/2/17**

* * *

 **AN: Hello all, and welcome to yet another Chapter of the Laughing Scooby. I dropped quite a few knowledge bombs in this chapter and made references to both FSN and Assassins Creed. And if you're wondering why the Ring can summon so many angels and demons…Eh, future plot reasons? I mean compared to some of the crap I've got coming…he'll need an army.**

 **That said if you thought everyone wanted to kill Xander before when they thought he just had Belldandy and the Angel Tablet? Heh, you ain't seen nothing yet. His life will be going to hell shortly, and damn am I going to enjoy every minute of it! I hope you all will too.**

 **With that said, if I don't answer any reviews, there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is, seems to have this continuous glitch that won't allow you to answer reviews. I can read them in my e-mail but can't respond to them because as far as the site is concerned, the reviews don't exist. The second and more important reason is, I'll be out of town this weekend visiting family. Also, I intend to update my newly published RWBY fic next for anyone who was curious.**

 **Thanks for reading and till next time, Bubbajack out! Peace!**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Laughing Scooby**

 **By: Bubbajack**

 **Beta: Grammarly, Self-Proofread**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS or anything else that shows up in this fic.**

* * *

 **Ch.4: Housewarming Party.**

Work had started on the Caldswell place and with Xander pitching in and having constant 'motivation' in the form of Belldandy and Urd's vivacious forms, as well as Bell's constant small kindnesses, such as providing food, drink, or a kind word at just the right time. Urd was content to flirt with the construction crew which had its own effect of making them work twice as hard as usual if only to try and impress her.

The cyclops couldn't help but smirk as he stepped outside, _'Poor saps have no idea what they're in for.'_ Xander thought as he stepped outside intent on trying out his cigarettes for the first time.

He'd held off for a couple of days as when he reappeared with the box in tow, he got a look of concern if not outright disapproval from Belldandy. He couldn't stand her looking at him like that, worried about his health. So he held off and waited as long as he could, but now with all the running around and work, he'd been doing with the crew along with his mounting concern about what to do with the magical artifacts in his possession he really needed some form of stress relief.

Popping a cigarette in his mouth, he fished around in his pocket for his lighter. Pulling it out, he noted for the first time some strange writing engraved and circling around the top. It read: **_"Kim daha hafifçe üç kez hafifçe vurursa, Jinn'i açığa çıkarmalı Shantae."_**

Scratching his scalp in confusion, Xander wondered, _'The heck does that mean?'_

Then before his very eye, the letters rearranged themselves into English. The passage now read: **_"Whosoever flick this lighter thrice, shall unleash the Jiniri, Shantae."_**

Xander blinked, his mouth falling open with his cancer stick hanging precariously from his lower lip. He took to rubbing his remaining eye to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Afterward, seeing the words still remained, he sighed then read the deciphered text again.

Shaking his head in denial, Xander muttered to himself, "There's no way. I've either got to be cursed, or this is someone's idea of a joke." Thinking back on his less than stellar record with magic, he sighed and continued, "Nope, it's probably legit."

Holding the lighter in front of him he thought, _'Whelp, here goes nothing.'_

He flicked it once. Nothing happened.

A second flick. That time, a spark flew through the air.

Not seeing anything strange like storm clouds gathering, or a portal beginning to open, Xander allowed himself to relax, _'Maybe it was a prank.'_ He thought, "Phew, I've been on the Hellmouth for far too long."

With that thought in mind, he raised the lighter to his lips and flicked it a third and final time, intent on finally having that smoke. He did not expect a pillar of fire to erupt from the small handheld device, burning away some of his hair, and singing off his eyebrows before knocking him on his ass.

The flame shot five feet up in the air before doing a U-turn and scorched the earth in front of him. When it cleared, Xander's breath caught. For standing before him on a piece of scorched earth was a stunning young woman. She was about five inches shorter than him at 5'5/165cm, dusky-skinned with bright dark-blue eyes and blue-black hair that looked purple in the sunlight. Her hair was held in a ponytail by a golden hairband. She had golden armlets on her wrists and nothing but a silken bra that both covered and accentuated her large bust. She wore what he could best describe as red sheer parachute pants and pointed leather shoes he would expect to see on Santa's elves. She looked tense and ready for a fight.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me right Murphy!?"

* * *

Shantae looked around her eyes full of mistrust and suspicion, her body slipping into a combat pose taught to her by Rolo before she called out, "Alright Risky, where are you?"

"#%$&%%***/&!?"

Shantae looked down to see a young man who was missing both his eyebrows and the fringe of his hair he had a jacket on his shoulders and an eye patch on his eye. Thinking he was Risky's new minion she gripped him by the scruff of his coat and demanded, "Who are you and where is Risky?"

Blinking his lone brown eye at her, he replied gently, " ####$%^&*(%$# %^&**((^%$## $%^^&."

Shantae cocked her head to the side unable to understand the strange language the man was speaking. "Can you understand me?"

" #%^^&*)" The man in her arms replied before shrugging, causing Shantae to abruptly drop him and throw her arms up in frustration, "Oh, great."

She felt an arm encircle itself around her shoulders and she turned to see the cyclopean man doing his best to comfort her, $# , $# , ^&*('! &^ )*. #(*&# &%##$%^" He then steered her towards the manse behind her she had failed to notice before. Taking a good look at her surroundings, nothing looked even remotely familiar. _'Just where am I?'_

"Eh, where are we going?" Shante asked him even knowing he couldn't understand her.

" ^%#&^%$#&, Shantae, $%^' $# $."

Pointing at herself she nodded and replied, "Shante, yes. I'm Shante. What's your name?"

The older man pointed at himself as he replied, "Alexander. #$%T %$#^, Xander."

"Xander?" Shantae echoed for clarification. Receiving a nod, he led her onwards into the building. By the look of things, it was having work done as men walked to and fro hammering nails, moving lumber and using powerful machines, that she could only assume were the tools of their trade.

As they passed, the worker's men called out to her guide in his foreign tongue. One must've said something about her, for he laughed it off, yet pulled her closer to him after that and quickly led her to the kitchen.

"Belldandy!" he called getting the attention of a light-skinned, blue-eyed woman with light brown hair who was wearing a white cloth shirt and rough spun form fitting indigo trousers. Shantae could feel the power rolling off of her and not just her, but the pale haired sorceress sitting at the table next to her.

"Xander, what-"upon seeing her, her eyes widened in surprise, and she asked the man beside her, "how on earth did you come into possession of an Al-Jinn?"

He laughed and said something in his tongue she couldn't figure out. This caused Belldandy to giggle and the sorceress to say, "Yeah that **_does_** sound like your luck at work doesn't it?"

Building up her courage, Shantae finally inquired, "Excuse me, but could you tell me exactly what's going on here? Where am I? Why can I only understand you two, and why is everyone else speaking in tongues?"

The violet-eyed witch seemed to size her up for a moment before asking, "What is your name girl?"

"Shante." The young man, Xander, answered for her. To which she nodded in response.

Nodding the woman with violet eyes continued, "Shantae, what year is it?"

 _'_ _What kind of question is that?'_ the Genie wondered, "It's 1653."

Feeling a tap on her shoulder, Shante look over to Xander who was shaking his head sadly while looking at her. He then handed her some cobbled together papers and tapped one area in particular. The half-genie hero quickly surmised what she was holding was a calendar, but she couldn't believe what her eyes were telling her.

2003\. The current year on the calendar was 2003. _'But if it's two-thousand three then I'm…I'm in the future. That means that I've-I've been stuck in that Genie trap for three hundred fifty years!'_

Her friends, her town, and the people she promised to protect…all of them were long dead. Such was her shock that Shantae did the only thing she could…she fetll faint on the spot, right into Xander's arms.

Sighing he said to himself, "How do I always get myself in these situations?"

It was Urd who answered, "That sugar, has to do with your Constantine heritage. It called Synchronicity Wave Travel. Passively, you'll innately be where you need to be when you need to be there. When activated and you 'ride the wave' you can manipulate the strings of fate itself. Or in your terms affect causality to your will."

The cyclops released a quiet whistle, "Wow, I really need to learn how to do that." He glanced down at the Genie in his arms and added, "But first, she needs to be laid down somewhere."

Poking his head out of the kitchen he hollered, "Yo John, the upstairs habitable yet?"

John "Jonny" Knox, the foreman of the construction crew that came out here, replied, "Sure is Harris, why?"

Xander stepped out holding the girl passed out in his arms. A couple of the guys wolf-whistled, and one called out, "Damn Harris, you lay the moves on too thick man?"

"She probably fainted because of how cheesy his pickup lines were. Poor girl." Another called out.

Snickers were had by the men and Antonio, a suave Italian who viewed himself as a ladies man called out, "Save some pretty one's for the rest of us eh?"

Resisting the urge to roll his remaining eye, the young man replied, "I'll try, but this is as much a gift as it is a curse. Now, if you'll excuse me." Xander beat a hasty retreat up the stairs.

* * *

He quickly found an undemolished if slightly dusty room and set Shantae down on the bed before heading back downstairs. When he got there, he saw something odd. A trio of men were walking up his driveway two wearing black suits, and the other looked like a white collar detective. He was even dressed in a tan trench coat.

 _'_ _My wiggy senses are tingling.'_ Xander had a developed a sort of sixth sense when it came to weird things, having lived on the Hellmouth his entire life, and at least one of the three approaching him were giving him the wiggins.

Moving like a ghost, he made his way back upstairs to the den where he kept the magical items he attained from Plutus. He tucked the Colt into his waistband, picked up the Staff, and hesitated for just a moment before slipping the Ring of Solomon on his finger. Leaving both Grimoires and the paperweight he picked up behind, he made his way back to the foyer to greet his 'guests.'

* * *

Dean drove sixty the whole way there, and it still took them two days. As Sam, Dean, and Castiel made their way up the driveway, the brothers' whispered to one another, "Dean, how do you wanna do this?"

"Well, we can't go in guns blazing. Too many people around. We should probably try and get him alone see if we can get him to hand it over."

Cas shook his head at their naiveté, "I highly doubt you'll convince the Constantine to just 'hand it over.'" He paused muttering, "Then again, no Constantine has ever had her favor before…"

Glancing at his friend, Dean asked, "You're talking about the Goth chick right? Who was she anyway, Cas?"

The Angel paused, clearly looking uncomfortable, "She is someone, something, ancient, and very powerful. That's all I dare say lest I incite her anger."

Raising his eyebrows, Dean inquired, "Damn, she's one bad bitch huh?"

Hissing through his teeth, and glancing around in fear, the angel replied, "Watch what you say! She could be listening…and she is not someone you want to anger."

Having never seen the angel so on edge before, Dean just nodded, "Right, I'll keep that in mind."

Just as Sam was about to knock on the door, it opened revealing the very man they came to see. Or so the Winchesters assumed, after all not many people walked around wearing an eyepatch, coat that seemed to change color whenever the light hit it, and carried a cat-headed, rune-carved staff. His single eye burned with eagle-like intensity as he sized them up.

Xander knew who they were the moment he laid his eye on them. Sam Winchester, the Destined Vessel of Lucifer, Dean Winchester, former Destined Vessel of Archangel Michael, and Castiel, whose name meant Shield of God in Enochian. And one who had even 'played God' albeit for a brief time. Together, the three had stopped the biblical apocalypse.

Finally, he asked, "And just what do the Vessels of Michael, Lucifer, and a Fallen Angel who dared play God want with me?"

The look of pure shock that crossed the faces of Sam and Dean was picturesque. The fact he caused a usually stoic angel to grimace was a plus in his book. To his credit, Dean reacted quickly drawing a Colt 1911 he had stored in his coat. Using Bond's memories, he quickly grabbed the weapon and turned it on its original wielder before deciding to test out the power of the ring. Turning to the Angel, Xander ordered, "Castiel, restrain and disarm them both, please and thank you."

Doing as he was told without a moment's pause, the angel punched Dean in the back before sweeping Sam's legs out from underneath him. With his gun still pointed at him, Dean dare not move for fear of his little brother's life. But that didn't stop him from spitting out, "What the hell Cas?"

As he patted down the younger Winchester, he apologized, "I'm sorry, but I can't disobey him." He was ever stoic, but he sounded sincere.

"Why not?" Sam grunted out as he was disarmed of the Knife, his pistol, and a sawn-off shotgun, which Cas put in his coat along with Dean's own sawn-off.

With respect entering his tone, Castiel replied, "He is Solomon's heir. He wears the ring and bears his Staff. He is more than just a Constantine…" A pause before, "He is the One Who Sees. Possessor of Solomon's Wisdom. He can see the past, present, future, and is a Master Magician."

He then hauled Sam to his feet now as bereft of weapons as his brother. Giving a polite and thankful nod to the Angel, Xander pocketed the gun before saying, "Come in won't you, I'm sure we have plenty to talk about."

After Castiel took both boy's roughly by the shoulder and followed only a few steps behind. As they passed he called into the kitchen, "Hey Bell, could you bring some ice tea up to the study please?"

"Of course!"

Nodding to himself he said to his impromptu entourage, "Follow me please."

* * *

He led them to his study on the second floor where he kept the remaining artifacts he acquired. Taking a seating in a plush swivel chair, he got his hands on just the day prior he bade them sit in the high-backed chairs he had set in front of the desk.

Once everyone was seated, Xander said, "Ok guys, you tried to break into my house armed with guns and an OP knife. Potentially putting not only my life but the lives of my guests and the innocent people here at risk. So as I see it, you have to the count of five to tell me what this is all about before I have Castiel here drop you both in the middle of the Arctic."

The two brother's looked at each other.

"One."

Dean smirked, "He's bluffing. You got one shit poker face kid."

"Two."

Sam gave his brother a sharp look, "Dean, I don't think he's kidding."

"Three."

Castiel reaffirmed his grip on their shoulders, tightening it to make sure they couldn't escape, "He's not kidding." He promised the two.

"Four."

"Okay, ok, ok!" Dean caved, "We're here for the Angel Tablet."

Recognition lit in Xander's remaining eye, "The Tablet that can lock the Angel's out of Heaven?" receiving a nod he asked, "Why the hell do you think I would have such a thing, and what could you do with one? You'd need the current prophet of Yahweh to read…"

Another lightbulb went off, "Castiel, did you come here with Yahweh's current prophet?"

The angel gave a stiff nod, "Yes." His reply was curt but sufficient.

Running a hand down his face, Xander said, "Bring him or her here please, and anyone else you brought with you." He sighed once the angel left.

"That was really stupid of you two." Xander said and length, "Leaving the only person who can read the damn thing you came here to get alone by himself, where any demon, spook, or ghoul can just waltz up and take him? Real armature move guys. And this is coming from the guy who almost got murder fucked by a Praying Mantis Demon."

"Praying Mantis Demon?" Sam enquired.

He waved off their concern saying, "Long, old story." Before continuing on, "Anyway, what makes you think I have a Tablet written by Metatron?"

The two did their best goldfish impression, and after Xander had cleared his throat, Sam replied, "We were told by a woman."

"Woman?"

"Yeah," Dean picked up where his brother left off, "Real classy lookin' goth babe. Said she knew you."

"Teleute." Xander sighed again, "I see."

The doors to the study opened again, and Castiel returned with a young Asian man and his mother in tow. Before he could even open his mouth, Xander knew everything he needed to know about the boy, "Hello Kevin. Why don't you and your mother come and sit down? The drinks should be arriving in just a moment."

Right on cue, a gentle knock came at the door, and moments later Belldandy arrived holding a silver tray bearing several glasses and a pitcher of iced tea. But that wasn't what had everyone's attention. That honor would go to the Norn's attire. For she was wearing a black and white frilled French maid outfit, complete with tiara.

Blinking several times Xander finally asked, "Belldandy, did Urd put you in that outfit?"

Much to his surprise, the goddess shook her head, saying, "No, I figured if I was going to act like a maid, I should dress the part." She did a quick pirouette so he could see the entire uniform, "How do I look?"

Pulling himself together and thinking with the proper head, the Constantine replied, "You look ravishing." To which Dean muttered, "Damn right she does."

Shooting the Hunter a dirty look he turned back to his contracted Goddess and said, "While you're up here, why don't you go look in on our other guest? If she's awake maybe explain a thing or two to her?"

The Norn curtsied and made her way towards the door but not before Castiel called out, "Wait."

Turning she inquired kindly, "Yes?"

"You're Belldandy of the Norn are you not?"

Upon seeing her nod, the Angel continued, smiling, "I am Castiel Angel of Yahweh, the rank of Powers. It's an honor to meet the ward of the Menoth the Lawbringer in person. I was also blessed to listen to your debut performance in the Golden Spire of Babylon two millennia back. To this day, I remember it fondly."

Bequeathing the angel with a smile, Belldandy, "Nice to meet you Castiel. I'm happy you remember my performance." Suddenly a female appeared behind the Goddess gracing her fellow angel with a smile.

Giving a slight nod, Castiel said, "Hello Paamonel, It's been awhile, hasn't it? Last we met, you were a ordinary Angel."

"Indeed it has Castiel. Though, if I had to hazard a guess, I would be above even yourself at the rank of Virtues now." The Angel gave her compatriot a concerned look, "You look weary. But, considering all the rumors I've heard, you've been through many trials and tribulations. Keep strong the Faith Castiel."

Castiel gave her a weak smile, "I'm…trying. But after all I've seen, all I've done, I don't know if I can…if I even deserve to."

"Faith isn't about whether you've earned it, but about if you choose to accept it." Holy Bell responded primly.

Blinking owlishly, the angel of Virtues asked, "Who told you that?"

Giving her senior a knowing look, Paamonel, replied, "You did. Just days before I became Belldandy's contracted angel. I was uncertain I even wanted to do it, as I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough for the job, then, you told me that. It gave me the resolve I needed to become Belldandy's angel. For that, I cannot thank you enough. So please, take your own advice."

The contracted angel then faded away, and Belldandy graced him with a comforting smile, "You'll be ok. I shall go see to our other guest now."

With that, the Goddess left, and once she did, Dean asked, "Cas, what was that about?"

The angel gave the human a flat stare, "Just catching up with an acquaintance." His tone had all the warmth of the Arctic.

"Yeah…but what was all that about you being at the Rank of Powers and her being a Virtue now?" Kevin inquired while Sam had yet to remove his slack-jawed gaze from the door Belldandy left from.

"It is-or was my rank in the angelic hierarchy. The higher the rank, the more powerful the angel. Paamonel or Holy Bell if you prefer, was given the opportunity to partner with a Goddess allowing her to gain power at an accelerated rate, via becoming her familiar and gaining more power in centuries than most do in millennia, due to needing to channel a Goddess' growing power."

Dean's eyebrows rose towards his hairline, "So, that chick who just walked in was a Goddess, and partnering with one is like, what? Job fast tracking for angels?"

Castiel nodded, "Essentially, yes."

Looking to the evil mage, Dean asked, "What's she doing with you?"

Xander's answer was short but sufficient, "Fulfilling my wish."

Sam raised an eyebrow, "Which was?"

Sighing the cyclops replied, "For her to remain by my side forever."

It was then that Mrs. Tran who had been quietly drinking the tea given to her this entire time spoke up, "She cooks?"

"Yes. Bell's an amazing chef." Xander affirmed.

Another question, "Clean?"

Another nod, "Through song, somehow."

A final inquiry, "You happy?"

Xander smiled, "More than I have been in a while."

"You've done well for yourself honey." Mrs. Tran then gave her son a sharp look, "Why can't you get a beautiful girl like that? I should be a grandmother by now."

"Mom!" Kevin said, sounding traumatized. "I don't exactly have access to a wish-granting goddess."

Giving her son a sharp glare, Mrs. Tran retorted, "No excuse, you Prophet of God! Has to come with some perks right?"

Feeling sorry for Kevin while silently wishing his own mother cared that much, Xander, cleared his throat, recovering the conversation, "As fascinating as this conversation is, we're going off track. What's this Angel Tablet you were talking about?" he asked, steepling his fingers.

Grateful for the change in conversation, the Prophet replied, "It's a hewn piece of rock with Enochian written on it."

The light of recognition flared in Xander's remaining eye, and he opened his desk drawer before pulling out the very tablet they were seeking, "You mean this thing?"

Kevin nodded enthusiastically and reached out to grab it, only for Xander to pull it out of his grasp. Frowning, the mage stated, "Compared to everything else I got my hands on recently I don't see what's so special about this." As he said that, he laid the Colt on the desktop.

Mrs. Tran was blunt, "It can lock all the Angels out of Heaven." Seeing the looks she was getting, Mrs. Tran shrugged and said, "What, he's got us by the balls, we may as well be honest."

Turning the stone over to look at the writing the Constantine asked, "It can lock the angels out of heaven…like the Bruno Mars song?"

"First off, terrible analogy. Second, yes. Third, where did you get the Colt?" Dean replied in rapid-fire.

Xander chuckled to himself, "To think, I was honestly considering using it as a paperweight." He set the Tablet on the opposite end of the desk, across from the Colt. "But you know about the Colt."

"It's ours…or it was anyway." Sam replied.

Shrugging the Californian retorted, "Well, you know what they say about possession right?"

"The power of Christ compels you?" the Eldest Winchester quipped.

"True," Xander smirked, "But I was thinking about it being nine-tenths of the law. Still, we might be able to come to an arrangement."

Eyes narrowed the brothers Winchester looked at one another before Dean asked shrewdly, "What kind of arrangement?"

"Supply and demand Dean. I **_supply_** you with the Angel Tablet, and in return, I **_demand_** you show me how to make more bullets for the Colt."

"How do you know that's not one of the original thirteen?"

Xander gave the two Hunters a knowing smile, "I have my sources." The mage replied, and by sources he meant Urd.

Again the two brother's locked eyes. Sam nodded, "The Tablet is crucial right now Dean."

Dean sighed in defeat, "Yeah, your right."

Turning back to the waiting mage, Dean held out his hand and grunted out begrudgingly, "You got a deal."

Gripping his hand in his own, Xander replied, "Pleasure doing business with you gentlemen."

* * *

As Xander was finalizing his deal with the Winchester's Belldandy was making good on her promise to check up on their other guest. As Belldandy peeked in on her guest, she saw that she was beginning to awaken, so the Goddess opened the door wider intent on comforting her and answering any questions the distressed Jiniri may have.

Opening her eyes and blinking sleepily, Shantae asked herself, "Wha-where am I?"

Looking around she saw Belldandy standing in the doorway. "Who are you?"

Slowly making her way into the room so as not to frighten the girl, Belldandy replied, "I am Belldandy of the Norn, and you are currently resting in one of my contractors' spare rooms after you fell faint."

 _'_ _That's right, Xander he brought me inside, I talked to that woman…he showed me a calendar.'_ It came crashing down on the half-genie all over again.

Her friends, her town, even her enemies, anything familiar to her was lost to the sands of time. Tears came to her eyes unbidden as the despair overwhelmed her, and she said nothing as she felt the Goddess envelop her in a hug, but proceeded to cry into her shoulder, her own frame shaking with muffled sobs.

"There, there, it'll be alright. Not right away, not right now, but it will be alright eventually. I promise. Belldandy cooed.

Her soothing words were like a balm to her wounded heart. Soon, she stopped crying, and she looked up into the sympathetic face of the Goddess and began, "I have so many questions, I don't even know where to start."

Ever gracious and patient, the Perfecta Dea nodded, "I'm sure you're very confused right now. I'll do what I can to help, so ask, and I'll answer what I can."

Taking a deep, shuddering, if calming breath, Shantae did her best to both calm and collect her thoughts, she continued, "I come from Turkey, yet nothing here is familiar. Not the clothing, architecture, I could not even understand Xander's speech. Just where am I?"

Belldandy answered easily, "You are on the other side of the world in a country known as America. The language Xander was speaking was English. Although, I am surprised you couldn't understand him, however, as most magical entities have access to Allspeak." She finished.

Becoming somewhat bashful, Shantae admitted, "I'm only half-Jinni. While I have some magical powers from my mother, this Allspeak you're talking about doesn't seem to be one of them. I can transform into different animals and magical creatures, and control the elements though."

Shantae sighed, "I wish I had this Allspeak. I would like to both thank Xander for both my freedom and his hospitality, and apologize to him.

Cocking her head to the side minutely, the Goddess of the Present inquired, "Apologize, whatever for?"

Rubbing her head sheepishly, the half-jinni replied, "I accosted him thinking he was one of Risty's minions. It was rude, and I have no excuse."

The Goddess frowned ever-so-slightly, not liking hearing about her contractor being accosted even if it was accidental and brief. Still, she didn't blame the girl in front of her, she was lost and confused after all, and, she sincerely wanted to apologize. So, she did the only thing she could, "I see. I could bequeath you the power of Allspeak if you like."

Blinking in surprise, Shante inquired, "Why? If he is your contractor why are you willing to help me?" Her tone became subdued and tinged with self-loathing, "I don't feel like I deserve it. I was the Guardian Spirit of my town. If I've been imprisoned for so long, that means I failed them."

Shaking her head the Norn gently chastised the Jinn like a mother would have her child, "No Shantae, no. I'm sure you did everything you could."

"IT WASN'T ENOUGH!" She shouted, before mumbling, "I lost, I failed, so it wasn't enough."

Patting her back Belldandy said, "There, there, how about we focus on getting you adjusted for now? I believe you wanted to learn Allspeak?"

Seeing the half-jinni nod mutely, Belldandy began to sing, "Listen to the Trees, the birds, and streams, all have a song they are willing to sing. The wind whispers in your ear a melody it wants you to hear. Listen now and listen well, the whole world has a story to tell."

Shantae felt magical power flow into her after the song finished. Once the feeling passed, she wondered aloud, "How do we know if it worked?"

In response, Belldandy asked, "Can you understand me?" Seeing her nod, the Goddess continued, "Then it worked, for I was just speaking English."

Still solemn, Shante nodded and groused, "While that's great and all, but what do I do now? Even after all of this, I have nowhere to go, nothing to return to…"

"You could stay here if you like that is."

Both Goddess and Jinn turned to see Xander leaning in the doorway, a serious if pensive look on his face.

"Xander?"

Blinking owlishly at the Jinn he said, "I gotta say it's nice to hear you speaking English now." Turning to his goddess, he asked, "I'm betting I have you to thank for that Bell?"

The blue-eyed goddess nodded, "Yes, Shantae had something she wanted to say to you. So I thought it prudent you two were able to speak freely. Is your business concluded?"

Locking his remaining eye on the Jinn, he replied, "Almost. I need to make sure they aren't going to try and pull a fast one and give me false info before I give them what they want. You wanted to tell me something, Shante?"

The half-jinni nodded rising from the bed. Stopping just a few feet from her host, she bowed gracefully at the waist, unintentionally giving him a great view of her cleavage as she said, "I would like to thank you sincerely for aiding me from my long captivity, and assisting me in my time of need…also, I offer my sincerest and humblest apologies for assaulting you."

Doing his best to look anywhere but at her, lest he be caught catching an eyeful, Xander replied, "No problem I've been through a lot worse. I'm just glad you're ok really."

Raising and causing Xander to mentally sigh in relief, Shantae shook her head in firmly and denied, "That's great, but I took an oath when I became a Guardian Spirt to protect the innocent. Then, I not only assault an innocent man, but it was the very same one who freed me." Fire entered her eyes as she finished, "Therefore, I have only one course of action available to me."

"Which is?"

"Well, according to the Laws of the Jinni, I would usually have to grant you three wishes…but, I'm a Half-Jinn, so I can't do that. So I'll have to go for an older and far much less used option."

"Which is?" Xander parroted.

Nodding to herself affirming that yes, this was the right decision, she told him, "The older method of payment is to enrich the life of the person who frees us till death." A blush bloomed across her face, and she finished, "I-In other words I would serve as your servant in any way you see fit..."

The cyclopean magician felt uncomfortable at that prospect _, 'I already have Belldandy sticking with me by force. I don't know if my conscience can handle another one._

Sighing he said, "Are you sure this is what you want, or that you can't do anything else?" Seeing the hurt look on her face he added quickly, "I only ask because I already feel bad about wishing for Belldandy to stay with me forever. If you did the same, my moral fiber would crumble."

Looking to the goddess for confirmation she received a nod, and the Norn told her Contractee, "Xander, we've been over this already. I'm right where I need to be."

Nodding, "Then why do I feel like I've committed some form of magical entrapment?"

Looking back and forth between the two, Shantae couldn't help but smile. "That's because you're a kind man." She told Xander. A wicked man, with thoughts of lust or potential gain in his heart, wouldn't have felt any such thing."

Reaching forward and gently cupping his face in her hands, Shantae continued, "That is why I must insist I serve you, my Master. For I chose to do so and will tdo so gladly."

Sighing and resigning himself to his fate, not that he had much in the way of resistance in the first place, he said, "As you wish Shantae. But please, call me Xander."

A sparkle of mischief entering her eyes, the half-jinni replied, "But of course, _Master_ Xander."

Releasing a groan, he grumbled out the question he already knew the answer to, "This is gonna be a thing isn't it?"

Seeing the Jiniri nod, he muttered, "Thought so," Noticing movement outside the nearby window, Xander made his way over and took a look outside, when he did, he bit back a curse.

For gathering around his house was a group of people, but his eye showed them covered in black smoke…

"Demons."

* * *

Rushing to his study, Xander flung the doors open and told the assembled group, "Uh, we have a problem."

Giving the magician a sideways look Dean asked, "What kind of problem?"

"The hundred or so demons gathering on my front lawn kinda problem," Xander replied while going to the window to peek outside.

"What?!" Dean and Sam soon joined him at the window, the two recognized the demon in charge, and Dean growled out,"Crowley."

He'd heard that tone from the Slayer towards the yearly big bad often enough, "Head Big Bad?"

"King of the Crossroads and Hell at the moment." Sam replied with a nod with Dean adding, "And a grade A premium douche bag."

Quickly going over his options he called, "Bell, Urd!"

The sister Goddesses suddenly appeared in the room surprising all present. Well, Urd did, as she chose to appear in a flash of fire and lightning. "You called sugar?" the ebony-hued goddess asked with a saucy wink.

Shaking his head, he said, "Not now Urd, we're under siege."

The usually fickle Goddess' mood turned in an instant. She frowned, and sparks leaped through the air coming from her form. Little did Xander know that Urd though rash, was fiercely protective of her family and people who did right by her and them. In her eyes, Xander was a good man. He treated her sister well and much to her surprise, he treated her right, even knowing she was half-demon. So as far as she was concerned, an attack on him, was an attack on her family…and no one attacked Urd's family and got away with it.

"Who?"

Pointing to the window, Xander replied, "The small army of demons amassing outside." Turning to his contracted Goddess, he said, "Bell, I need you to get the workers out of here safely. Urd, once she's done that…unleash hell. Something big that'll make em scatter."

A downright malicious smile appeared on the eldest Norn's face as she replied, "Not a problem Sugar. If Bell helps me out, we can actually send them flying."

Looking at the Perfecta Dea in concern the One Who Sees inquired, "Can you get everyone out of here and still pull something like that off?"

To which the blue-eyed goddess easily nodded, "Yes of course. In fact, Holy Bell has been sending the men home as we speak."

Upon hearing this, Xander nodded relieved innocent bystanders were now out of the future crossfire, "Good, good."

"Xander, what should I do?"

Turning to Shantae, who he didn't even expect to be here, he replied, "Stay in the background, pick off any stragglers. Bell once everyone's safe and accounted for, I would like it if you would hang back in case anyone gets hurt."

Turning to the human's in the room who had till thus far remained silent, he said, "Cas, Dean, Sam, I want you in the house armed and ready to charge in once the hammer's dropped. Kevin, you and you mom stay with Bell, she'll keep you safe. Any questions?"

"I got a couple. One, who put you in charge? Two, while we're putting our lives on the line, what'll you be doing?"

"I'm in charge Dean because the demons in question are on my fucking lawn, and I want 'em off it. As for what I'll be doing…" Xander absently twisted the ring on his finger.

After a moment of pensive silence, he spoke, "Bell, you said the Ring could summon angels and demon's right?"

"That's right."

A smile that matched Urd's own from moment's ago slowly spread across his face, "Then I think it's time, for a bit of…experimentation."

* * *

Crowley had no less than three hundred demons milling around the front yard of the Constantine, each one of them was at least of the Knight class. He was taking no chances in dealing with one of them. Especially since learning where he was staying not only cost him the real Mona Lisa but two and a half million souls. So as they surrounded the place, the King of the Crossroads proceeded to bark out orders. "Do not let your guards down for a second! This is a Constantine we're dealing with he's likely got a trick up his sleeves…probably several. I want everyone coming through all the entrances at the same time."

A demon came up to him and saluted, "Sir, we're prepared to breach."

"Do it."

Just as the demon was about to give the order, the weather turned sour, with storm clouds gathering overhead, with the wind suddenly picking up without warning to gale-force levels as lightning struck the ground around them. Demons were flung about like ragdolls by the impromptu hurricane. Some were sent flying across the street while other were launched into trees or cars, causing the alarms to go off. Those that were thrown around by the currents of air should consider themselves fortunate compared to those that were taken out of the battle by bolts of lightning.

 _'_ _The Constantine.'_ Crowley thought bitterly as the wind whipped through the meager remains of his hair.

Then, just as suddenly as it came, the natural phenomena ceased, and the front door was kicked open, and the Winchesters plus Castiel descended upon the downed demons like crows upon corpses. Dean was armed with the Knife while Sam and Cas were both armed with Angel Blades. The proceeded to stab every demon that came within range of their blades.

While Shanta transformed into some sort of dark creature clad in red she called a 'Tinker bat.' In this state, she slipped from shadow to shadow somehow reaching through darkness itself to stab demons through their own shadows, or creating spikes of tangible darkness to impale foes.

A shrill whistle carried on the wind, and the quartet fell back to the porch where Xander stood waiting. By the time Crowley and his men managed to gather their wits, eighty-five demons had fallen to either lightning strikes, knife attacks, or shadowy demon claws.

Once most of the demons were back on their feet, Xander addressed Crowley and the demons directly. "Listen well King of the Crossroads! I'll give you one chance, and one chance only to leave now, and never darken my doorstep again. Take it, and be gone. Or stay, and face certain death."

Knowing he couldn't afford to lose face in front of his men, Crowley raised a shaking fist and shouted back, "We have you outnumbered ten to one! Unlike you, I have an army!"

The demon's roar in approval their moral spiking.

Closing his remaining eye, Xander muttered to himself, "So be it." Raising his voice, he retorted, "And I have a Balrog. Come, Gothmog!"

An acrid wind carrying with it the scent of sulfur, ashes, and charred flesh swept through the demons moments a looming dark shadow consumed the sky moments before an enormous explosion rocked the ground before them all. From the plume of dust, rose a massive silhouette. A sudden gust of wind unveiled the horrific creature in all its terrifying glory.

His body consisted of what looked to be ashes, smoke, and flame. Scorched Mithril chainmail clung to his twelve-foot form like rags on a leper, and he had a mane of fire and eyes like hot coals. His mouth was full of fangs that were always being licked by flames, and two massive horns protruded forwards from his head, in between which sprung forth a mane of fire. The inferno that was his mane only served to accentuate his huge chiropteran wingspan. In his left hand, he held a twelve-foot long whip made of nothing but the hottest flame, while in his right he wielded a two-headed battleax made of dark obsidian. His lower body was bipedal but reptilian his legs bending backward and ending in three-toed clawed feet.

This was the one being equal to Sauron in power when Morgoth still walked the Middle-Earth. The bane of two kings of the Noldor, Fëanor himself and Fingon of Hithlum. The Black Captain of Angband, and Lord of the Balrogs. This was Gothmog.

The demons froze in both awe and fear at this new foe. Then, like peeling keen of a death bell, the Constantine standing behind the beast spoke, "Gothmog…kill them all."

Releasing an inhuman roar, the valaraukar waded into the fray with sadistic glee etched onto its horrific features.

His whip flashed out, ensnaring a dozen demons and burning them to cinders. The ax quickly followed suit, hewing heads off shoulders and cleaving dozens of bodies to mush. The smarter demons fled around the beast going for the wizard who controlled it. One, who was currently possessing a black bald bodybuilder, through tenacity or luck, made his way past the Hunter Trio and Shantae and punched Alexander in the gut, doubling him over and sending in flying across the street where he flew through the wall of the house briefly blacking out…

* * *

When he came to, he found three beautiful women staring at him in concern. The oldest of the trio had long slightly curly chestnut-brown hair, with a stern if matronly air about her. The middle of the three had shoulder-length dark brown hair that was almost black in color. He could see the concern in her dark eyes. The last and youngest of the trio was a brunette whose hair had a slight reddish tinge to it.

Groaning and sitting up he asked, "Anybody get the number of the bus that killed me?"

He received an eye roll a smirk and a giggle for his troubles. The oldest of the trio asked, "What makes you think you're dead?"

Cracking his neck and both hearing and feeling a satisfying pop, he replied, "Well, I got sent through a wall and wake up with three beautiful women surrounding me. So I must be in heaven."

This earned him a trio of eye rolls, and the middle child of the group said, "You might've taken a knock to the head, you're talking nonsense."

"I wouldn't call it nonsense." The youngest commented giving the one-eyed stranger a warm smile.

Crossing her arms over her chest, the matron of the group asked, "So you're the new warlock from across the street I'm assuming?"

"I prefer wizard if it's all the same to you. I'm not going to ask how you're connected to the magical world as I don't have time." Xander replied calling his staff to his hand with but a flick of his wrist and a thought. Now so armed, "In truth, I'd like to stay and exchange pleasantries, but I'm dealing with a few…unwelcome guests at the moment. If you'll excuse me, ladies."

Xander then leaped through the very same hole he made a few minutes prior and charged back into the fray. The Charmed Ones who had been observing and avoiding their new neighbor like the plague, fearing he was planning on stealing their powers, or that of Piper's son Wyatt, now had a choice to make. Help a potential enemy or let known ones in the form of demons run roughshod over their block.

Phoebe and Paige looked to Piper, the unofficial leader of the Charmed Ones. Paige asked, "What should we do Piper?"

Seeing a couple of demons spear tackle the young man out of the blue, Piper Halliwell made her decision. Flicking out her hands the two demons exploded, leaving the roguish young man unharmed. Walking through the hole, he made she replied without looking back, "We're going to help."

* * *

Xander charged back into battle his staff aglow with power. Had he been listening Xander might've heard a slight subtle 'click' come from the item like that of a lock being undone. But battle furor was upon him, and his eye and ears were alert for the sounds of approaching enemies' not undone locks. Even so, he found himself dogpiled on by a trio of demons. One who was face to face with the bust of Bastet on his staff, took a blast of eldritch lightning to face, dusting him. Xander was about to draw the Colt and double tap them both when both of them were suddenly atomized right before his eyes.

Looking over, he saw the trio of women whose house he flew through heading his way, the oldest of the trio kept flicking her hands out and every time she did so, a demon either froze solid, allowing one of the others to kill it or blown to pieces. The sympathetic one was flying through the air and much like Neo from the Matrix, she was kicking and punching any demons she could get her hands on. Lastly, was the youngest of the trifecta. She seemed to be teleporting objects into white light and flinging them at anyone she could. Knocking them over and stunning them long enough for her elder sister or one of the others to make a kill.

Seeing the tables turned against him with the coming of both a Balrog and the second string of unknown defenders, Crowley decided it was time to cut his losses, and beat a hasty retreat. The remaining demons seeing their leader flee, quickly followed his lead.

 _'_ _Well, that's one problem solved.'_ Xander turned his gaze to the now out of control Balrog which was trying to kill any and everything in its sight.

 _'_ _Now just how in the hell am I supposed to deal with this?'_

Glancing down at the Ring on his finger, Xander shrugged, "Well, it worked once."

Holding out his right hand he called the name of a character from one of Anya's favorite manga. One she eventually got him into. A blood red magical sigil appeared on the ground as he intoned, **"I call thee forth…Rias Gremory!"**

* * *

Rias was walking down the hallways of the Academy with Akeno, Kiba, and Koneko to visit Gasper and the Crimson Ruin Princess was considering who else to add to her Peerage when heard her name being urgently called upon the wind. Then a tugging began at the back of her mind like she was being reminded of something of the greatest import. Suddenly, a magical portal in the shape of a pentacle appeared before her and her servants. Shining a luminescent red and encircled with the words **_"Per artem Clavicula foedus cum antiquis, qui culpa agmen ciet."_**

Rais' breath caught for she, and every demon knew that phrase by heart. It was Latin, but in plain English, it read as, **_"By the ancient pact of the Ars Goetia, thou art summoned forth."_**

As she stepped towards the portal, she felt Kiba's hand grip her shoulder. "Rias?"

Looking back at her Peerage she said promptly, "I have to go, and no, I don't have time to explain. I will when I come back if I do." With those words said, the red-haired demoness shook off her Knight's hand and stepped through the summoning gate, going forth to fulfill the most ancient of pacts.

* * *

Xander was surprised it actually worked, though he shouldn't have been considering his prior success with Gothmog. Yet as the crimson luminous magic circle appeared on the ground and seconds later Rias Gremory rose from the very earth itself, in the center of the circle, he felt relief. For if anyone could defeat the Lord of Balrogs' it would be the Crimson Ruin Princess who had the Power of Destruction at her fingertips. She stood before him now her long crimson tresses trailing down her back, in sharp contrast to her alabaster skin and her aquamarine eyes. She was still wearing her Kuho Academy uniform which did little to conceal her generous curvy figure.

Locking her eyes onto his, she spoke with what he knew of her character to be uncommon seriousness, "I, Rias Gremory have come at your summons Lord Solominis. What is your bidding?"

Inclining his head in what he hoped was a respectful greeting, Xander replied, "Hi, I'm Xander, and I have a problem I'm hoping you can help be deal with."

Nodding, and respecting his decision to conceal his actual name until a proper master-servant pact was formed she inquired, "what problem might this be Lord Solominis?"

Jerking his thumb behind him, he said flatly, "That."

Peering over her summoners' shoulder, Rias saw a giant demon made of cinders and flame, a flaming whip was flailing about with the occasional crack and someone likely a witch considering she could fly narrowly avoided a black ax blade to the face. Turning back to Solomon's Heir she quipped, "Been experimenting with the Ring have we?"

Rubbing his head and having the decency to look sheepish, Xander replied, "that obvious huh? Think you can take him?"

The Crimson Ruin Princess gauged her opponent for a moment before finally nodding, "Leave it to me Lord Solominis." The Princess of the Gremory Family then began to stroll casually towards the towering monstrosity stopping only briefly to turn back and say, "Once my task is done Lord Solominis, you and I shall be going over **_proper_** summoning and binding procedures for extra-planar demons, and you shall owe me a favor."

Xander nodded but gulped. For Rias had the same tone she used when training when she said that. 'I'm in trouble.' The summoner thought to himself.

* * *

Gothmog, Lord of the Valaraukar, was free to ravage the world again! The fool heir of Solomon had no pact prepared no bindings, nothing. Just a command. "Kill them all!"

That's exactly what he was doing killing them all. _'The foolish magician should be more careful with his words. Especially around one as devious and malicious as the Black Captain of Angband.'_ Gothmog thought as he finally swatted the annoying flying Istari out of the air.

He loomed over her and raised his ax high, savoring the look of utter fear on her face for just a moment before he ended her life. As he was about to bring his dark blade to bare and splatter her guts all over the ground, he was punched in the side with enough force to send him stumbling back a few feet.

Growling more in annoyance at being caught off guard than pain, the Balrog glared at the source of the attack, finding a redheaded **_fírima wendi_** …no, not **_fírima wendi_**. She was far too powerful to be a mere mortal woman. Too powerful to even be an Istari, a magician.

Narrowing his eyes, he growled out in the common tongue, **"What are you?"**

"Fu, fu, fu. Well, it's not really going to matter in a moment, but I guess I can tell you my name if nothing else. I am Rias of the House of Gremory."

She chuckled at him! She dared show anything less than absolute dread and terror in his presence. _'She will die!'_

Releasing an inhuman roar, Gothmog's whip lashed out like a serpent intent on ensnaring its prey. Yet this **_ettelëa_** , this stranger, easily caught the flailing weapon in hand. Once she did, she pulled it taut. Refusing to all himself to be disarmed, Gothmog pulled back even harder, attempting to pry his whip from her iron grasp. Yet this is what she had been waiting for as moments later a stream of black, crimson tinted power ate its way up the flaming weapon before consuming his hand and exploding. He looked at his lost claw in shock for a moment before the pain finally kicked in and, unleashing a howl of torment. He charged this unknown thing down murder burning fiercely in his eyes as hot as any flame.

Yet Rias Gremory was not afraid. She merely spread her arms in an almost welcoming gesture, and the Power of Destruction gathered in her palms in the form of red orbs tinged in black, each the size of a melon. Such was her strength that the wind picked up and debris was sent flying from the simple act of her drawing upon her power. Forcing her hands together caused the spheres to combine into one double the size of the original two.

Bracing herself, she launched the giant globe of power at the Lord of Balrogs just as he was about to bare down on her with his obsidian ax. Gothmog attempted to swat the ball away with his blade to no avail, it shattered on impact. The death ball continued on struck the Black Captain of Angband right in the chest. The Valaraukar released a silent scream as he was torn apart molecule by molecule as the sphere slowly expanded. The last thing he saw was the crimson haired girl staring at him impassively.

* * *

Her job done, Rias flipped her hair behind her head and all but skipped her way back to Solomon's Heir. She released a little giggle when she saw him staring at her, his mouth agape. "Mission accomplished, Lord Solominis." She then put on her stern lecturing face, "Now, I think it's time we had a talk. Plus, you owe me a favor."

"I agree. Would you like to come inside? We can talk about this while we make sure everyone is alright. Plus it will give you time to think about what you may want."

Turning, Rias found herself face to face with a Goddess. The divine aura was a dead giveaway. Knowing she was outclassed, all she could do was give a nod and follow Lord Solominis as he made his way back towards what she assumed was his mansion house.

In the shadows, the Horsewoman of Famine silently observed her target as she had been the past couple of days. She bit back a silent curse as she noted the amount of power he'd accumulated in such a short passing of time. _'What could he be planning? Does he seek to overthrow the Balance? Take the Heavens? Rule Hell?'_

She didn't know. She also was unsure if she could take the Constantine alone… _'At least, not without help.'_ She thought before slinking away through the shadows.

* * *

 **Chapter Length: 9,450 Number of Pages: 20 Date Completed: 6/26/2017**

* * *

 **AN: Hello everyone and welcome back to the Laughing Scooby. I enjoyed writing this chapter. Hopefully as much as you all will reading it. That said, I feel the need to explain a few terms that showed up this chapter.**

 **"** **Jiniri"- the term for a female Jinni or Genie if you prefer. Males are call Djinn.**

 **Angel Ranks: Angels according to what theology you read if any have ranks assigned to them in Christianity and Judaism. Each is different but I'm going with the Christian angelology ranking system for both angels (Seraphim, Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions, Virtues, Powers, Principalities, Archangels, and Angels.) and demons (King, Prince, Duke, Marquis, Count, Baron, President, Knight, and Demon.) both are shown in descending order of power here from the most to the least powerful.**

 **Also, I have a poll up on my profile I would like you to check out if you haven't already. Ok, I think that's everything as the Quenya was explained as it was written in the chapter. Alright, I hope you all have a good one. I'm off to play the Darkest Dungeon before I get cracking on Rogue Trader. So till next time everyone, Bubbajack out! Peace!**


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